


Touched by Destiny

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Series: Destiny Series by JC [2]
Category: The Sentinel
Genre: M/M, Romance, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1998-12-16
Updated: 1998-12-16
Packaged: 2017-12-11 04:48:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 22,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/794122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two people in love, what could be happier, right?  Well...not exactly.<br/>This story is a sequel to Guided by Destiny.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My second Setinel slash story. It follows 'Guided by Destiny', and it helps if you have read that first. I appreciate any comments, please feel free to e-mail me.

Due to the size of this story, it has been split into two parts.

## Touched by Destiny

by JC

Author's webpage: <http://www.skeeter63.org/jayci/>

Author's disclaimer: The characters from the TV series "The Sentinel" are not my property, and I am not making money off of them. Also, any lyrics used are the property of their authors, no money made there either. End of story. 

* * *

Touched by Destiny by J.C. - part one 

A new year... and it actually felt that way. Brand new. A new relationship, a new beginning. Jim and Blair...Blair and Jim... a new twist on an old favorite. 

Jim knew the exact moment that it really hit him: Christmas night as he held his partner in his arms, sleep overtaking him. The key around his neck, symbolic of Blair's assertion and Jim's acknowledgment that they belonged together, felt warm as it lay over his heart. It was almost as if his lover had instilled it with his own personal body heat as part of the gift. Wrapped in each other's arms, Jim felt the block of fear inside him shrink smaller and smaller, all the while being replaced with an ever increasing peace. A peace he felt from the inside out, not a momentary calm in the air, but a harmony in his soul. Blair was his. Guide, best friend, lover, life. 

On New Year's Eve, they passed on Simon's "Annual All-Night New Year's Eve Poker Bash". It wasn't really a poker party anymore, though it had started out that way years ago. But, it _was_ a Major Crimes event. Everyone and their current significant other were invited to share in an evening of music, food, alcohol, and fun. But the new lovers decided to see the New Year in together. Alone. Somehow it seemed important to mark the passage of the old and usher in the new this first time as a couple by themselves. 

They spent a quiet evening at home - slow love and fast passion - culminating in a celebration of how incredible newfound love could be. To Jim, his sensitive hearing picking up on the cheers all around him as the clock struck midnight, the whole world seemed to be rejoicing with them. 

The next morning, the two men were summoned early. Duty called. The snow had stopped falling, but the temperature was below freezing. Blair bundled up in his new coat, but that did nothing to dissipate the cold that permeated a crime scene. 

It seemed major crime was back in Cascade. Christmas break was over, and the bad guys were back for the winter term. Jim and Blair drew an arson case. It was the sort of scene that was especially hard on Jim's senses, but where he could do an impressive job of evidence gathering. There were no more idle hands in the bullpen. The next week kept the whole squad jumping. 

Ellison and Sandburg worked their case, investigation to solution to paperwork, the same as always. The team was in top form. Jim made a concerted effort not to get too anxious about Blair while out in the field. He never felt afraid that he wouldn't be able to keep his partner safe, just that he would concentrate so much on protecting him that his actual police duties would suffer. 

Blair was aware that there was always the chance of danger to the both of them, but he knew their best chance was what he had said to Jim once before - to just do the job. He noticed a few times that Jim was tuning in more to him than to the scene at hand. So "Do your Job" became the pre-scene mantra. He repeated it enough times to Jim in his "Guide voice", that the detective began to get it. To protect Blair _and_ catch the bad guys: Just Do My Job. 

Subtle adjustments were made in the bullpen as well as out in the field. They had never discussed it, but by tacit agreement, they kept the change in their relationship to themselves. The desire to keep their love untainted was unspoken, but felt keenly by both. Regardless of Blair's expressive nature, it was Jim who found it the most difficult at the station. Blair was definitely smiling more, but Jim kept catching himself every time he went to touch the other man. He was used to touching his partner, for various reasons, but now he found himself drawing back or stepping away, so that he wouldn't subconsciously linger too long. He had picked up the habit of absently fingering the key where it lay on his chest whenever he curbed the instinct to make physical contact with his partner. Blair missed the casual touches, but understood that his lover missed them more. To Blair, each time Jim caressed the key through his clothes, it was like a touch to his spirit. An unspoken whisper that warmed him. And, of course, when they got home, they freely indulged in touching and a whole lot more. 

* * *

January gave way to February, and Blair had a problem. He was trying to come up with the perfect way to celebrate Valentine's Day with Jim. He wanted something simple, but that made a statement. He was sitting in his office at his desk, selecting and rejecting ideas, when he heard a knock on his door. 

He looked at his watch - 2:15 - he didn't have an appointment until 3:00. 

"Come in" 

Alec Grayson poked his head inside, "Are you sure?" 

Blair was flustered. He hadn't seen Alec since before Christmas. He had thought their paths would cross before now, but it hadn't happened. His first instinct was to go and hug his friend, but a secondary instinct kept him behind his desk. "Sure, man, come on in." 

Alec entered and closed the door behind him. "How have you been, Blair?" 

"Great, man, how about you?" 

"Okay." He shrugged at the expression on Blair's face. "I'm a big boy, Sandburg. I'm okay. Really. You know I was disappointed, and I still care about you, but I told you, I'm your friend first. I guess that's why I'm here. I was wondering if that was still all right. For us to be friends, I mean." 

Blair shifted in his seat, feeling decidedly torn. 

Alec continued, "I mean, I miss you. I miss this. Or the chance for this, you know? The chance to have lunch sometimes, or hang out a little, or just shoot the shit about the universe. You know, friendship." 

Blair did know. He had had too few real friends in his life. He wasn't sure that Jim would understand, but he still felt close to this man. And not a little guilty about how he felt he had treated him. 

"I'm sorry, Alec..." Blair stopped, unsure of what he wanted to say, what he should say. 

Alec turned to the door. "That's okay, Blair. I understand. It wasn't a good idea. Too much history, not enough distance." 

"Alec, wait." Blair stood. "I just wanted to apologize for everything...for...everything." 

"Blair, don't. I know you didn't purposefully set out to hurt me. You were always up front with me." 

"Not in the beginning. If I had been strong enough to confront Jim with my feelings, I could have saved everyone a lot of drama. I didn't handle this correctly and I hurt someone who didn't deserve it. 

"Blair, stop it. _I'm_ sorry. I didn't come here to make you feel bad. I better go." 

"Alec..." Blair went to where Alec stood and touched his arm. 

"No, I better go. If you ever need to talk, just remember that I'm still your friend." He gave Blair an awkward hug and left. 

Blair sat back down at his desk, tugging thoughtfully on a stray curl. He wasn't sure he should want anything from Alec in his life, was _definitely_ sure that Jim wouldn't want him to. No, Alec was probably right. Too much history, not enough distance. He turned his mind back to his lover and his current problem. Now, what would be the perfect Valentine's Day celebration? 

* * *

Jim typed furiously, at least furiously for him, and cursed the days that Blair had office hours. He didn't even want to think about the time when exams would roll around. Not that Jim wanted the grad student only for his ability to do paperwork, but that had definitely been a Sandburg contribution. Taking the grunt work thrown at him because of his 'civilian' status and excelling at it. Clear, concise, quickly filed reports. What a concept! 

Jim's hearing picked up on bits and pieces of the conversations around him. A few people were discussing the upcoming holiday. His mind wandered as he thought about how to spend his first Valentine's Day with Blair as his lover. 

* * *

'This _sucks_ ,' Blair thought as he drove home from the university. His gloves were on the corner of his desk in his office. He had the heat on high in his car, but his fingers were still freezing. 'I need a dozen pair of gloves,' he thought. 'A pair to leave in the office, a pair to carry in my backpack, one pair for the car, spare pairs at home. And hats, yeah, lots of hats, too.' He shook his head sadly. 'This is _not_ a good place to be in the winter.' 

He was past grumpy by the time he climbed the stairs to the loft. He didn't even take off his coat, he just dropped his bag and went to warm his hands in front of the fire. 

Jim eyed his disgruntled lover with amusement. He had been lying on the couch, relaxing in his sweats, and reading the paper when Blair walked in. Blair hadn't spoken a word, or even remotely acknowledged Jim sitting a few feet away from him. 

"Cold, Chief?" 

Blair glanced over and rolled his eyes. 

"You know, if you come home and say 'Hello, love of my life, it's so great to finally be home with you...' or some other such equally cheerful, loving statement, I would be more than happy to warm you up." 

"I'm glad you think this is so funny." 

"I'm not laughing. I seem to remember you giving high praise to my ability to raise your body temperature." 

Then Jim did laugh as Blair's coat hit the floor, and he found himself hugged by a sexy body smelling like the crisp coolness of winter air, the natural 'Blair scent' and something else vaguely familiar. Something that he couldn't quite place. 

His cataloguing was interrupted when Blair started licking on his ear and speaking to him. "Sorry, I just want this cold snap to snap already. Freezing is okay, hell, freezing would be freaking wonderful. Why won't it go back up to _freezing_?!" 

"Blair, calm down." Jim rearranged them on the sofa so that he was stretched out with Blair settled in front of him, leaning back. 

"I know, I'm being ridiculous. So sue me. I've just been trying to think up a great Valentine's idea and I'm coming up with zip. How can I be expected to think when my brain is an ice cube?" 

"You teach. You consult. You _think_ everyday." 

"You're not helping. I can't think of _this_ thing. I wanted something that would knock your socks off." 

Jim raised one bare foot for Blair to see, and wiggled his toes. "You already do, babe." 

Blair turned his head and grinned that grin that always thrilled Jim down to those same toes. "Flattery will get you everywhere." 

" _That_ , Sandburg, was the plan." 

Blair turned over, and Jim scooted down until the compact frame of his lover seemed to click into place - lining up in that perfect fit, reaching up a hand to either side of Blair's face, threading his fingers through silky strands of hair. Blair's tongue snaked out, seeking the heat of Jim's mouth, his body pressing down into the warmth of the large, hard body underneath him. 

Jim held Blair's head, welcoming him, receiving him, until he felt he had to _move_. His body pressed upwards, his tongue thrust past Blair's to invade the moist mouth; his hands fiddled with folds of fabric searching for the bare flesh underneath. Searching, searching... 

"Dammit, Blair, why do you have on all of these clothes?" 

"Well, when you jump someone as soon as they walk through the door, you have to expect to encounter a certain amount of outer wear." 

"I did _not_ jump you. I've barely moved from this spot. Who's on top of who, here?" 

"Hey, _I_ was just trying to get a hug. It's not like I could get away from that death grip you had on my head." 

"Death grip? I didn't..." His mouth snapped shut and he frowned. "I just wanted to cheer you up." 

Blair laughed, reclaiming his former position, leaning back against Jim. "You can be such a baby. And you call _me_ a spoiled brat." 

"I have _never_ called you a spoiled brat." 

"Maybe not, but you've thought it." 

"That doesn't count." 

"You mean you actually _have_ thought it?" 

"I just can't win with you, Sandburg," Jim said, shaking his head. 

"Wrong. With me, you've already won. I love you so much. Sorry for being so moody." 

"That's okay. I wish we could go someplace warm. Like maybe the beach." 

"Hey! Great idea, let's go." 

"Slow down, Chief. I can't get time off right now. You know Simon expects 3 weeks notice unless it's an emergency." 

"Well, it _is_ an emergency. A life-saving change of climate for one of his own." 

"Try again, Sandburg." 

An idea blossomed in Blair's mind. "Okay... let's bring the beach to us." 

"What are you talking about? Never mind, I'm sure I don't want to know." 

"Use your imagination, Jim. Stay with me here. Waves crashing, moonlight shining, making out on a beach towel..." 

"Okay, you got my attention. What are we talking?" 

"Just leave it to me. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to provide the nourishment. You can fix whatever you want. The rest will be a surprise." 

"Give me a hint. Just so I'm not totally blindsided." 

"No hints." He sat up and took off his boots. Then he pulled off his sweater throwing it at his lover's head. He unzipped his pants and pulled those off, throwing them over his shoulder. He unbuttoned his shirt and lay back on top of his lover. "No talking." 

Jim closed his eyes, filling his lungs with the Blair-scented air he was breathing through the sweater over his face, absorbing the heat waves from the body moving over his and decided he didn't need to know the details of his lover's idea. The guy could dump a ton of sand in this place for all he cared. As long as Blair made him feel like this, he didn't give a damn. 

* * *

It was a perfect day. Blair had never been happier to see a thermometer read 34 degrees in his life. Lately, anything above freezing was a cause for celebration. And it was Valentine's Day. He had a fun evening planned, fun and romantic. His first Valentine's Day with Jim... and hopefully a night of other firsts as well. 

Blair dropped his bundles on the floor in the hall so that he could retrieve his keys and unlock the door to the loft. He wondered where Jim was. He was sure that the sound of him struggling, arms full, would have brought Jim to the door before he even had a chance to look for his keys. 

He pushed the door open and was arrested by the sight of Jim Ellison in the kitchen and the wonderful odors that he was creating. Jim was transferring something from a pot to a serving dish and he was humming along to Beach Boys music. Blair laughed out loud. Jim jumped, dropping the serving spoon to the floor. 

"Damn, Chief!" Jim shouted, totally taken aback that he had been concentrating hard enough to miss his lover's arrival. 

"Wow, you are really into this. I haven't been able to sneak up on you outside of a zone-out in like, _forever_." He laughed some more. "Come help with some of this stuff." He turned back to the hall saying, "You know, the advantage of living with a Sentinel is always knowing that _he_ can always tell when you're struggling down the hall with your arms full." 

"What is all of this stuff?" 

"You'll see. Just put it over there." 

Blair headed to the kitchen. When Jim joined him, he looked at him with wide eyes. "Okay, Jim, where did you hide the body?" 

"What body?" 

"The body of the chef who prepared all of _this_!" Blair peeked into several dishes, finally popping a tasty morsel in his mouth. 

"I _can_ cook, Sandburg." 

"Jim, in all the time I've known you, you've taken me to plenty of restaurants, ordered countless times for takeout, thrown together some steak dinners, lasagna, you know, meals like that. But never anything like _this_. Not even close." 

Jim shrugged and answered, "I don't really enjoy cooking that much. And just because I can do it doesn't mean I want to be pressured into it all the time." 

"You mean, you've just been holding out on me. For years. About something as important as food. Unbelievable." Blair's voice was incredulous. "And you know, you are always pressuring _me_ to cook." 

"But, Chief, you _like_ to cook." 

"That's not the point." 

"Then, what's the point?" Jim pulled Blair into his arms, squeezing him in a loving embrace. 

"I can't remember right now, but it'll come back to me." He pulled away. "I'm going to shower, you get back to your secret life as a gourmet chef." He walked towards the bathroom. "And when I get out, I'm throwing away every takeout menu in this place." 

Jim laughed to himself as he finished up his meal preparations. Even though it wasn't his thing, he knew that he could cook well, and was glad that he had decided to fix something special for tonight. He opened a bottle of wine, happily listening to Blair in the shower while the Beach Boys sang on in the background. 

He was sitting on the couch sipping on a chilled glass of wine when Blair emerged from the bathroom in a cloud of steam, hair damp and a towel slung low on his hips. 

"Mood music, Jim?" 

Jim blushed, just now realizing how caught up he was in Blair's beach fantasy. He was looking forward to whatever came next. "I guess." 

Blair picked up one of the bags he had brought with him, a small shopping bag, and handed it to Jim. "Here, go upstairs and change. I'll finish setting up everything." 

Jim took the bag and headed upstairs. "This better not be a grass skirt, Sandburg." 

Blair could hear the rustling as Jim went through the bag. 

"Uh, where's the rest of it, Chief?" 

"That's it, big guy. Now don't be a party pooper. It's just you and me at a private beach. And don't come back down until I tell you. And no peeking!" 

Jim changed and lay down on the bed. He heard various noises but couldn't pinpoint exactly what was being done downstairs. He recognized the change in lighting and heard the music stop. Next the sounds of the ocean drifted up to him. In his mind, he pictured Blair lying out on the sand underneath him while Jim ravaged his mouth. Just as he realized that his fantasy was looking suspiciously like the beach scene out of "From Here to Eternity", Blair called his name. 

He went downstairs and was pleasantly surprised by the transformation. His eyes went to his Guide. 

"Some friends in the Drama department helped me out. The best I could do on short notice. I didn't have time to reach Naomi so she could send me sand from where she is." 

Jim didn't even allow his mind to process that comment. He just took in the scene before him. 

There was a large backdrop hung over the balcony doors depicting a moonlit beach. The room was lit by candles that gave off the aroma of ocean air. Blair had arranged two huge, colorful beach towels on the floor and he was sitting on one. Two small beach totes sat on the floor nearby. And everything was sparkling in the dim lighting. Jim went over, as his lover rose to stand in front of him, reaching out to pull on a lock of wavy hair. It glimmered as if it had been brushed with gold dust. 

"Well, no sand, but I thought this was kind of cool. _Sort_ of like moonlight on a white sand beach. But not as gritty." Blair stepped back and showered Jim with a handful of glitter. 

Jim smiled, placing a light kiss on his partner's lips. He was at a loss for words, but at that moment he didn't trust his voice anyway, overwhelmed by how lucky he felt to be there with a man who got such joy from the simple pleasures in life. He deepened his kiss, hands roaming over the smaller man's body. So wonderful, and so familiar now to his intimate touch. He placed his hands on the narrow hips to draw Blair closer. 

"Chief..." 

"Yeah?" Blair sighed as Jim claimed his earlobe, flicking at his earrings with a deliciously sinful tongue. 

"How come I'm wearing this little thing and you get to wear _these_?" Jim's voice rumbled sexily in Blair's ear as he snapped the elastic at Blair's waist. 

Blair looked down at Jim in his sleek, black Speedo bikini. Damn, he looked so sexy, so positively...male. Then he looked at his own baggy tropical print trunks and laughed. 

"Hey, I can't help it if I'm not the hunky beach type like you. You deserve to show off your assets." 

"I don't know. I have firsthand knowledge of what's hiding inside these baggy things." 

"Oh yeah?" 

Jim pulled him closer and kissed him in that way that Blair had come to crave like some people crave chocolate. "Yeah. What you have in there could bring a grown man to his knees." 

Jim proved it by dropping to his knees in front of his lover, pulling down those wild, crazy shorts, thrilling to the fact that he was the cause of that rapid heartbeat. Blair's cock seemed to be twitching every fourth beat like a sexual parody of a metronome. Jim touched it, drawn to the pulse of it. The head of it was dripping, and he licked a trail from Blair's balls up to that pool of wetness. 

"Oh, damn, you taste so good," Jim whispered in a husky voice. 

He lowered Blair down to the floor, removing the flowered shorts, and tossing them somewhere across the room. Jim pushed his lover's legs back and felt a shudder of lust go through him as the puckered opening below Blair's balls came into view. He nuzzled the sacs, savoring the musky scent, slowly rimming the opening with his wet tongue. Then, he began moving his tongue in and out, shooting thrilling sparks through the younger man, whose hole pulsated in rhythm with the shaking of the rest of his body. Blair was making these sounds that to Jim seemed like nature gone wild on that little piece of manmade beach. He was vaguely aware of Blair pulling on his own nipples, as he made love to him with his tongue, losing himself in the taste. 

As if from a distance, he heard Blair calling his name and knew the end was near. 

Blair's cock was sticking straight up in the air. Jim took the head of it into his mouth and slurped contentedly, before swallowing him to the hilt. He felt the first spurts hit the back of his throat just as curly brown hairs started to tickle his nose. Squeezing Blair's balls, he swallowed gulp after gulp of the tasty essence, before raising his head and going for a kiss. Blair kissed him back hungrily, licking up the drops that had leaked from the corners of Jim's mouth, and going inside for more. 

'And to think I've been complaining about being in Cascade in the winter,' Blair thought. 

Jim looked down at his sated lover, lazy smile on his face. "Ready to eat?" 

Blair's dazed eyes focused on Jim. "Eat?" 

"Yeah, you know, food, dinner." 

"Dinner?" Blair repeated. 

"Blair, are you all right? How come you suddenly don't understand the concept of partaking of a meal?" 

"I just.... That was wonderful. I want more. You know... especially now that we know stuff is okay." 

Jim understood. They had finally gotten tested and Blair had gotten his results back this morning. Jim had taken his test as part of a physical through the department. He had gotten his results a week ago. Blair had used the University clinic, and it had taken longer. 

"Blair, we have all night. Hell, we have a lifetime. But any longer and my dinner will suffer. So let's eat. Then, back to the action." Jim made a leering face as he got up. 

Blair watched Jim walk to the bathroom, marveling again over how sexy he was. His shorts were tossed back to him, when Jim came out and headed to the kitchen, and he scooped them up and went to the bathroom himself. 

As he gathered up the food, Jim caught Blair's mumbling comment about arrogant Sentinel chefs who were getting too big for their britches, and looking down, he decided that that was probably a true assessment. By the time Blair returned, Jim had laid his magnificent meal out on the floor. Blair chuckled softly, but did not comment on how easily Jim had relaxed his rules about food in the living room. He joined him and they dined together, with only the sounds of a gentle surf to disturb the peace. 

* * *

After the meal, Jim put everything away and poured them each another glass of wine. Blair pulled a mini boombox from one of the beach totes and pressed "play". The soft sounds of piano music joined the background of nature's own music already playing. They sipped on their wine, then both men lay out on a towel, hands behind their heads, gazing up at nothing, saying nothing, enjoying just being. Neither one could remember ever feeling such a level of contentment. Hunger satisfied, soothing atmosphere, the one you love. That could very well be the definition of happiness. 

Jim rolled over onto his side and faced his lover, gazing at Blair's profile, for once not feeling any apprehension over his happiness. Blair turned his head, gazing back. Their eyes spoke volumes; no need for words. 

Jim started to speak anyway, wanting to voice out loud how pleased he was about what his lover had done to make the evening so special, how touched and loved he felt, but Blair's eyes captured him, and he lost himself in their depths, letting it all go. He felt his eyes getting heavy and he slowly drifted to sleep, filled with the certainty that _Blair_ equaled happiness. Blair smiled gently and let himself follow his partner into peaceful slumber. 

A short time later, Blair woke, his eyes focusing on Jim asleep next to him. After a few moments, Jim opened his eyes, coming awake just as slowly as he had fallen asleep. He found Blair watching him, in the same position, in the same way as when he had drifted off. His partner's gentle smile dispelled any embarrassment he would have felt about being watched, and any curiosity about how long. He stretched, grimacing slightly at his stiffness. 

"I thought we agreed we would never sleep on the floor again." 

"Actually," Blair responded, "I don't think we ever agreed to that. _You_ said that we wouldn't and I just listened while you grumbled about it." 

"Must you always be a smartass?" 

"Hey, better than being a dumbass." 

Blair reached over and gently pushed Jim from his side onto his stomach. He nestled on top of him, molding his body to that of the older man. He reveled in the heat emanating from Jim's bare skin. 

"You are so warm. That just kills me. How come you are always so warm?" 

"Must be to make up for my cold nature." 

"You are not cold. You are loving, sweet, romantic...." 

"Those are fighting words, Sandburg. Can't have you ruining my reputation." 

"Your reputation is safe, Jim. You've still got everyone else fooled." 

He moved in a sensuous ripple on top of Jim's body, feeling his cock harden. He nudged Jim with it, whispering in his ear. 

"Can I?" 

"You know you can. _Will_ you?" Jim could barely get his voice above a whisper. 

"If you're sure...." 

"Blair, I told you I was fine with it. It's not an issue. I've waited patiently, but I've _been_ ready." 

"I want to..." Blair rocked his hips, pressing his cock into the valley of Jim's ass. 

"Then do it..." 

"I _really_ want to..." Blair rocked again, his body moving in sexual simulation. 

"Do it, baby, please..." 

"Are you sure _you_ want it?" 

"Yes, baby, please..." 

Jim picked up the rumble of contained laughter as Blair continued the slow grind against his ass. 

"Are you playing with me, Sandburg?" 

"Not yet, big guy, but I'm about to." 

"I've warned you about teasing me." 

"Well... I could always stop." 

"Don't you dare." 

Blair laughed out loud. "See, I knew you loved it." 

"I love _you_. Make love to me?" 

The softly spoken question was enough to make Blair stop teasing and get down to serious business. He moved off of Jim and removed the black bikinis, then pulled the older man to his hands and knees. It was a sight for Blair's lustful eyes, and he nipped and licked at the muscular ass cheeks, dipping his tongue into the cleft between, tickling the opening to his lover's body. He pulled Jim's dick back between long legs and licked the crown of it, then mouthed the swaying balls one at a time before drawing both of them into the heat of his mouth. Going back to the rigid cock, he sucked on it hungrily, then let it hang, wet and hard, below Jim's stomach. 

Jim grabbed onto his cock, slick from spit and precum, while Blair reached over and retrieved the lubrication from his handy beach tote. Blair stopped Jim's motions, and pushed him down by his broad shoulders, raising the larger man's ass higher. Blair pressed the lube to Jim's rosy pucker and squeezed. The sensation took Jim's breath away, and spikes of anticipation radiated from his ass to his fingers and toes. He dialed down his sense of touch, making sure he would enjoy it, but not be overwhelmed by it. The pressure and fullness he felt next made him glad he had. Even so, his whole body tensed. 

Blair stayed still, his thumb just inside Jim's slick hole. When he felt Jim relax, he pushed forward again. Then pulled out and pushed in again. It was definitely tight. Blair knew it would take careful preparation to make this experience as pleasurable as possible for his lover. He began to work his thumb in a short pumping motion. Soon, Jim was moving his body to meet him. Blair felt the muscles around his thumb grasp and draw him in. He withdrew the digit and ran a finger along Jim's body. It was covered in a fine sheen of sweat. 

Blair spoke softly to his partner. "Are you okay, big guy?" 

"I'm fine." 

"Are you sure? Any pain" 

"No pain, not yet, just...anticipation." 

"Don't start adjusting your sense of touch. I need to know that I'm not really hurting you, not that you just don't feel it. That's important, baby, okay?" 

"I just turned it down a little. I'm okay. I just want it...want to feel you inside me." 

Blair took the lube and applied some to his fingers. He moved in and ran the tip of his middle finger around the opening, slowly twisting the finger into the heated slickness inside his lover. His other hand reached up to the smooth chest, massaging it with his fingertips, fondling the nubs that crowned the hard pecs. When he had worked his finger all the way in, he pulled on a distended nipple, tweaking it with one hand, fucking Jim's ass with the other, both hands busy, trying to please and prepare his lover. Adding another finger, stretching Jim more, allowing him to get comfortable with everything, taking his cue from the movements of his lover's body. After a while, he stopped. Time for a verbal check-in. 

"Jim...?" 

Jim's breaths were ragged, but Blair thought one of those breaths sounded like a response. 

"Getting closer. You okay?" 

This time, Blair heard a definite, though breathy "Yes." 

"I love you, baby. You look so good, you _feel_ so good." Blair picked up the lube again. "I could probably come just from seeing you like this and knowing you want to give yourself to me." He began to work three fingers inside his lover's body. "Gods, just the fact that you love me and are the man in my life makes my dick hard." He kept pumping with the three fingers, and started slowly stroking Jim's dick, talking all the while. "You touch me, mind, body and soul. You know, for me, there's never been _anything_ like it with _anyone_." Maneuvering his fingers, smoothly fisting the stiff cock, speaking words of love till he thought his lover was as loose and relaxed as he could make him. 

Removing his shorts and lubing up for the last time, Blair generously coated his erection. He breathed slowly, trying not to come simply from touching himself, trying not to tense up over the idea of causing Jim pain, trying not to get carried away with the joy he was feeling over what he was about to do. He took deep breaths, giving himself time to align all of his emotions. Subconsciously, he did what Jim tended to do - match his breathing to that of his partner, using that as an indication that they were both relaxed and in accord. A soft voice reached him. 

"Blair...?" 

Blinking his eyes, coming back to attention, Blair extended his hands to touch his lover, kneading the muscles of Jim's tight ass. 

Jim spoke again. "Are you ready? Because I'm pretty sure I'm ready." 

Blair pointed his dick at the prepared entrance. He poked the head in and stopped at the sharp cry. 

'Damn,' Jim thought, 'it _has_ been a long time.' It hurt, but not too bad, and it was a vaguely familiar pain. A pain Jim knew wouldn't last, a pain that heralded a pleasure he desperately wanted to feel with Blair. Suddenly impatient, he pushed back at the same time that his lover decided to try to push forward and as a result Blair sank in all the way in one swift motion, blazing a trail of fire. 'Thank God for dialable senses,' was the thought that flew into the Sentinel's mind. 

Jim's breath was coming in hard, fast pants and Blair wrapped his arms tightly around him, pressing his chest into Jim's back. He didn't speak, some selfish part of his mind not wanting to risk hearing Jim asking him to withdraw. He just lay there buried in his lover, feeling the cheeks of Jim's ass twitch almost imperceptibly, the internal muscles clenching, his breath coming in harder, faster pants than his lover's. 

Jim spoke, his voice soft, but firm and clear. "Blair, please... move...." Jim felt Blair's arms tense around him. "No, I mean _move_... move _in_ me... start _moving_...." 

"Are you hurt?" Concern for Jim finally rose to the surface. 

"There was some pain, but I'm okay. I'll give you a detailed report later, if you want. But now, please start the intensely _pleasurable_ part of this venture. _Move_..." 

Blair stifled a chuckle, not wanting to lose himself to the hysteria of laughter, but he couldn't resist making a comment about how come _he_ was always being called a smartass, when he was sure that _he_ had never resorted to wisecracks during sex. 

Then he was drawing out and sliding slowly back in. Jim groaned, and Blair cried out. The motions were repeated, both men moving, passion building, until they had a hard, fast rhythm going. Blair was concerned, until he realized that he was just trying to keep up with the pace that _Jim_ was setting, and that was taking them both toward the edge. As he felt his balls draw up, and the pulses start along his shaft, Blair reached for his lover's erection. Jim grabbed hold, as well, so that as his ass with creamy eruptions, they both pumped the throbbing shaft until the cum ran over their fists. In his mind, Blair screamed out 'I love you', but all that actually made it out were incoherent mumblings. Jim's vocal orgasm more than made up for it, his loud cries ending in his lover's name. 

Blair carefully extricated himself from the larger man. His seed trickled down the inside of Jim's thighs and he touched his hand to it, mingling it with Jim's essence already on his fingers, getting some sense of completeness from having them joined in that way also. He reached over and got wipes from a tote and cleaned them both before drawing his partner down to lay beside him. They kissed, a deep kiss borne not from passion but pure love. I love you's were whispered, then they slept. 

* * *

After only a few minutes, Blair woke, this time to the absence of his lover and the sound of water running. He jumped up, an irrational wave of panic taking hold of him. When he got to the bathroom, the door opened and Jim came out. 

Jim started at the look on Blair's face. "What's wrong?" 

"I came to ask _you_ that." 

"What? I had to go, and decided we could both use a shower, so I started the water. You know, give it time to heat up." 

"Oh." 

"Why, what's the matter?" 

"Nothing, I woke up and you were gone, the shower was running... I thought maybe you were... you weren't okay with...everything." 

Jim looked into his lover's eyes. "Blair, I am more than okay with everything. I'm not pulling away from you; I'm not trying to sneak off and scrub myself clean of you. I was going to come get you to join me." 

"But, are you okay? Sore, I mean?" 

"Well, I know I'll still feel it in the morning, but I'm _fine_." 

Blair leaned forward and kissed Jim on the chest. "Okay." 

"Now, get in this shower and wash me. Who knows how long it'll take to get all of this damn glitter off." 

Blair's laughter echoed off of the walls as he happily joined his lover under the hot spray. 

* * *

Jim and Blair were seated on the sofa, holding hands. Blair was wearing his heavy robe over his trunks so that they could turn the heat down from what Jim wittily referred to as the 'tropical' setting. He looked at the clock and tugged on his lover's hand. 

"Jim, it's almost midnight. Let's exchange gifts before Valentine's Day is over." 

"Gifts? Are there gifts?" 

"Well, I kinda got you something." 

"Well, if that incredible meal wasn't gift enough, I guess I have a little something for you too. 

Blair jumped up. "Me first." 

"Okay." 

Blair removed a wrapped package from the second beach tote and handed it over. Jim unwrapped it in his slow, careful 'Jim' way and revealed a wooden box with a hinged lid. The lid had a jungle landscape carved into it. Inside were a set of notecards emblazoned with a paw print and a quote: 'When I write down my thoughts, they do not escape me'. 

"I had this idea, " Blair said. "I wanted to get you a journal, but I didn't think you would jump right into that, and I didn't want you to feel obligated to record things in it." He eyed the older man. "You _don't_ keep a journal, do you? I mean, is that another unknown secret of James Ellison?" 

"No, Sandburg, no journal." 

"Well, my idea was that maybe when you had something on your mind, you know, something you needed to muddle through, you would write it down. It could be sort of an aid to help you to see things clearer or to help you come up with a way to say things that seem hard to put into words. Maybe it would help you to talk to me. Or you could make note of important things that happen that you don't want to forget - sort of a scrapbook with words. Feel free to make numerous notes about how wonderful _I_ am." 

Jim plucked out a card and wrote something on it, then gave it to Blair. 

It read: 'Today is the day that celebrates love. The man I love marked the occasion by making love to me in a way that he never had before. I hope that I give him as much joy as he gives me. I hope that, in some small way, I can make every day seem like Valentine's Day to him.' His initials were at the bottom. 

Blair swallowed around the lump in his throat. He took one of Jim's hands and squeezed it. "Thank you." 

"No, thank _you_. It's a beautiful and thoughtful gift." 

"Jim, what you've given me is so much more. You gave me the gift of seeing the man that's in _here_." He touched Jim's chest where his heart beat. "And he is a hell of a guy." 

Jim lifted the hand that lay on his chest and kissed it. "He's in love with a hell of a guy." Then he stood up. "Okay, my turn." He took two envelopes from his jacket where it hung by the door and walked back to Blair handing him the small one. 

Blair opened it and withdrew a card. It was computer generated and had a sunny beach scene on the front with a heart drawn in the sand. On the inside left there was a quote: 'Love is space and time measured by the heart.' On the right-hand side it read: 'You've invaded my space and monopolized my time - and filled my heart with love. Happy Valentine's Day.' 

Looking up, Blair smiled. "Thanks, I love you too." 

Next, Jim handed him the bigger envelope. Inside, there was a certificate and a map. The certificate said - Fun, Sun and Sex on the Beach can be yours when you redeem this certificate for a two-week vacation! The map was of southern Florida and had a picture of a convertible pasted on top of Miami and a picture of a bungalow pasted on Key West. 

Blair had a puzzled look on his face. "What does this mean?" 

"It means when the school year ends, we are flying to Miami, Florida, renting a convertible and driving down to Key West. Naomi's friend, Giorgio, you know, that artist she liked a couple of years ago? He has a place on the beach in Key West and we can stay there for free as long as we give him advance notice. So, you say the word and we're there. Naomi made me swear that we wouldn't go during your spring break because you promised that week to her. If you want we can wait until just before the new school year starts up, but let me know so that I can schedule the time off. Is that all right?" 

Blair was overwhelmed. "Jim, I can't let you do this." 

"Sandburg, it's a gift. You just say, 'Thank you, Jim. You're the best.'" 

"But you're doing too much. First at Christmas, now this." 

"Look, I _want_ to do this. I'm not always the most expressive person, so permit me my grand gestures every once in a while." 

"Sex on the beach, huh?" Blair wagged his eyebrows. 

"I was talking about the drink, but if you had something else in mind, I guess I could be persuaded." 

"I think I can handle that. Hey, can we rent a _red_ convertible?" 

"Sure." 

"Then there's just one more thing." 

"What?" Jim said as Blair moved in closer, snuggling against his chest. 

"Thank you, Jim. You're the best." Jim laughed that rich, deep laughter that was so special to Blair because it wasn't released very often. He looked up as a thought occurred to him. 

"So who did you bribe into making the card and certificate for you and who did you tell them it was for?" 

"I have a computer, Chief, and if has software. I did everything myself." 

"You? No way!" Blair pulled away, looking at Jim with unbelieving eyes. 

"Sandburg, you're going to give me a complex. I'm not incompetent, you know." 

"I know, but..." 

"But what?" 

"Well, it's not like I thought you were computer _illiterate_ exactly. But how come you're always pushing _me_ in front of a keyboard saying 'Sandburg, can you do this...' and 'Sandburg, can you do that...?" Blair mimicked his partner's abrupt manner. 

Jim just shrugged and said, "You're faster." 

"You are like _so_ in trouble, here." 

"Why? I cooked before I knew you; I used a computer before I knew you. You're just better. I can't help it if you and your laptop are practically welded together, or that you _dance_ over simmering pots." 

Blair sighed, giving up the discussion. "Is there anything else that you're hiding from me?" 

Jim pulled Blair close again. "Well, there's one other thing, but it seems I'm not hiding it very well." He placed his lover's smaller hand on the bulging front of his Speedos, but when Blair started to peel them off, Jim stopped him. "Oh no, before you go any further, we are taking this little party _upstairs_." 

They got up and prepared for bed, blowing out the candles, turning off the music, and double-checking the locks. As they headed upstairs, Blair trailed behind his lover, so that he could get one more look at the firm flesh encased in the skintight bikinis. 

As he pushed Jim down on the bed, so he could finally undress him, Blair thought, 'I have to make sure these make it to Key West.' 

He only realized he had spoken out loud when he heard Jim say, "Only if we get you a matching pair." 

Blair laughed and then his mouth was busy doing other things. 

* * *

Blair was sitting cross-legged on the couch, working on his laptop, when Jim came home. Butterflies took up residence in his stomach when he thought of the conversation about to take place. 

"Hey, Chief." 

"Hey, Jim." Blair took off his glasses and shut down his computer. 

"I brought home Chinese, thought we might watch a little TV." Jim went to the kitchen. 

'Again?' Blair thought as he inwardly groaned. "Simon just called. He's trying to get a game together. His weekend with that teacher he's seeing fell through. Her mother's sick, she had to go to Portland. He wants me to bring my taco dip." 

"I'd rather just stay in tonight, Chief." Jim came back with a beer in his hand. 

Blair stood and faced Jim, arms crossed, speaking firmly, but quietly. "They don't know, Jim. We don't have tattoos on our foreheads." 

"What are you talking about?" 

"I'm assuming you don't want to hang out anymore because you think everyone will know you're fucking your partner." 

Jim made a face. "Don't talk like that." 

"Why not? Isn't that the problem? We haven't been anywhere socially since the Christmas party. No poker games, no going out for drinks or pool, not even any dinners out at a restaurant. And since we _used_ to do those things, I can only think it has something to do with our present situation." 

"You leave in a few weeks. I just want to spend this last bit of time alone with you." 

"If I thought that was true, that would be fine. But, it's been three months and we never leave the apartment, except to go to work. I mean, I think we're being more conspicuous by our _absence_. Make me understand, here. You don't want to go out with the guys from the station, you won't attend anything at the University. You won't even go out with just _me_. What's up?" 

"Nothing. I've just been enjoying being here with you. What's _wrong_ with that? I _prefer_ to spend my time this way. Where's the problem with that? We're out with other people all the time. We work together almost every single day." 

"Yeah, but you're afraid to touch me." 

"Not afraid, just discreet." 

"You don't have to be indiscreet to go play poker or go out to dinner, Jim. You know lots of my friends from the University, and you still nixed the faculty ski trip. I think before... _us_ , we would have gone." He fixed Jim with his most pleading look. "Come on, let's go play poker." 

"Sandburg..." Jim tried a little pleading of his own. 

"Don't do that, Jim. Either we both go or I'm going alone." 

"You'd do that?" 

"Yes, I would." 

"Fine, then go." 

"Are you serious?" 

Jim didn't answer, just tossed his beer bottle in the trash and headed up the stairs. 

Blair went to the kitchen to check on ingredients for his dip, pulling down jars and bowls, rooting in the refrigerator. As he was chopping onions, his eyes stinging with tears, he changed his mind. 

'Fuck this,' Blair thought. 'I'm not going to go over to Simon's and make up excuses for Jim Ellison. I have better things I could be doing.' He went in his old room to change his shirt, tied back his hair, and snagged his suede jacket on his way out the door. 

* * *

Blair drove to the new Indian restaurant that had just opened up near the University. He knew that a group of his friends were meeting there to try out the food and just generally kick back. As he went in, he immediately spotted the large group in the far corner, and told the hostess he would be joining them. When he reached them, he said, "Hey, room for me?" 

A loud cry of "Blair!" went up and Blair burst into laughter, reminded crazily of the entrance of Norm in the old TV show "Cheers!" People shifted, an extra chair was grabbed and he found himself sitting across the table from Alec. 

Blair's friend Ken addressed him from his right. "So, how'd you get loose? Between working with Jim and your mystery friend, you've been snubbing us academic types." 

Everyone knew that Blair had been seeing Alec for a while and that now he was seeing someone else. Only Alec knew who that someone was. Blair avoided Alec's eyes as he answered. "I was going to play poker tonight, but I decided to give the guys a break. I mean, how many times can you fleece a bunch of cops?" 

The group laughed. Alec was laughing, too, but when Blair glanced at him, he noticed the laughter did not reach his eyes. He looked away when he realized that Alec was staring back. The crew ate, drank, joked, talked and debated for a long time. Blair glanced over at Alec a few times and each time caught Alec watching him, and it made him a little self-conscious, but he still found himself having a great time. Even so, he felt a little guilty about the fact that he was enjoying himself, while Jim sat at home brooding over whatever the hell was bothering him. And, he missed him. He couldn't help feeling that he would be having an even better time if Jim were there to share it. Hell, Jim had made his decision, and Blair realized that he was still angry about the whole thing. As he finished his drink, enjoying his nice buzz, he thought, 'I'm not going to feel guilty about having a good time. Jim Ellison made his bed, let him lie in it.' 

* * *

Jim was sitting on the edge of the bed in Blair's old room with his head in his hands. Even though Blair had been sleeping upstairs for 3 months, his scent was still strongest here, and Jim wanted to lose himself in it. He knew he was being irrational, and he didn't even understand it all, really. Jim had hoped Blair wouldn't notice how he was insulating them, had hoped that he would be so swept up in the joy of them together that it wouldn't matter. It made him angry that the haven he had created didn't seem to be enough. Jim knew it was crazy, but he just felt safer when they were in the loft. Their _love_ was safe there. He was afraid of what would happen to it when it was exposed to the world. 

He got up and stretched, picked up the empty beer bottle from the floor, and went to the kitchen to get another. But when he opened the refrigerator, he just stared inside. 'Buck up, Ellison,' he told himself. 'Blair's right. They _don't_ know. They don't _have_ to know either. So instead of getting another beer to drink alone in the dark, missing him - go to Simon's and _be_ with him. You've played poker with these people too many times to count. It won't be any different.' He closed the refrigerator, grabbed his jacket, and left the apartment. His spirit lifted as he bounded down the stairs, anticipating the smile that would light Blair's face when he surprised him at Simon's. 'And when we come home, I'll apologize and make it up to him until the sun rises.' 

By the time he got to Simon's, Jim was practically overjoyed. He rang the bell, trying to single out Blair's heartbeat from the commotion inside. He was still concentrating on that task when the door flew open. 

"Hey! About time, Ellison. Come on in. The kid holding you up again?" Simon motioned Jim into the house and stood in the open doorway. Jim blinked, trying to focus his attention on his Captain. "Jim, you okay? Where's Sandburg?" 

"Sandburg?" Jim scanned the group inside, noticing the absence of his Guide. Okay, it was starting to kick in - Sandburg was not there. 

"Jim? What the hell is wrong? Did something happen to Sandburg?" 

"No, uh, he had a thing at the University." 

" _Thing_? What kind of _thing_? He never said anything about a _thing_ when we were talking about him bringing over some taco dip." 

"He forgot about it, got a phone call from somebody." Jim's voice cracked. 'Yeah, that's clearing it up, Ellison,' he thought. 

Simon closed the door. "Well, let's deal you in. Sandburg's absence is my gain. I'm feeling lucky tonight." 

"Uh, Simon? I'm not staying." 

"Not staying? What is with you tonight? You came all the way over here to say you're not staying?" 

"I have a headache." As if on cue, Jim felt a throbbing start at his temples. 

Worry clouded Simon's eyes. "Are you all right, Jim? You've seemed kind of distracted lately, and outside of the station, nobody sees you anymore. Are you having some kind of problem? Is there something you're not telling me? I'm not just your captain, you know, I consider myself a friend." 

Jim felt a stab of guilt, but all he said was, "I know Simon. It's just a headache, that's all." 

"Well, you might as well go on in there and sit down, because there's no way I'm letting you drive home right now. You look like you're about to pass out." 

Jim _felt_ like he was going to pass out. He made his way to the den, nodding at the guys, letting Simon explain about Blair as he plopped into an overstuffed armchair and closed his eyes. Simon's house was the last place he wanted to be - he wanted to be with Blair. 'Where the hell is he?' Trying not to panic, he considered the possibilities. Maybe there had been an accident. Blair had been angry, maybe he hadn't been paying attention to his driving. No, they would have heard, besides Jim hadn't noticed anything out of the ordinary on the way over. "Where _is_ he, what is he _doing_?' Jim tried not to think about Blair out with somebody else. Maybe, he had just driven around trying to clear his head, and was already back at the loft. Jim felt he would go crazy if he had to stay put a minute longer. The laughter, smoke and bright lights were killing him. As soon as Simon went to the kitchen for more snacks, leaving the rest of the guys to argue about who had the worst poker face, Jim slipped out and drove home. Once there, it took less than a minute for it to register that Blair wasn't back at the loft, and he was still sitting in his parked truck when his cell phone rang, startling him. 

"Ellison." One thought ran through Jim's mind: 'Be Blair, be Blair...' 

"Jim, are you all right?" Simon's voice was calm. 

"Yeah, sure, Simon. Sorry about sneaking out, the smoke and lights were aggravating my headache." 

"Fine. I'll reserve my tirade for a time when you're more up to it." 

Jim groaned as the line went dead. He had no idea where to go next, so he decided to go inside. He felt like a wreck. To quote his favorite person, "This _sucks_!" 

Concluded in part [two](touchedby1.html)


	2. Chapter 2

Due to the size of this story, it has been split into two parts.

## Touched by Destiny

by JC

Author's webpage: <http://www.skeeter63.org/jayci/>

Continued from part one. 

* * *

Touched by Destiny by J.C. - part two 

Blair excused himself from the table to go to the men's room, needing a minute to collect himself. The whole situation with Jim was still bothering him. 'This is crazy. I need to go home and talk to him.' He splashed some water on his face and looked in the mirror as the door opened behind him. 

"I recognize that look. What did he do now?" 

Blair caught Alec's reflection, "Don't start anything, man." 

Alec raised his hands in surrender. "Hey, I just meant, I've never seen you look that way except in connection with Jim. Want to talk about it?" 

Blair shook his head, still staring at Alec in the mirror. When Alec stepped closer, Blair felt an ache inside. Truth be told, he could probably use a friendly ear, he just didn't think Alec's ear was the wisest choice. He turned away from Alec's gaze when he felt his eyes start to water. 

"Blair, you look like you need a friend. I'm here, talk to me. No strings, just a shoulder. I want to help, even if it's just by listening." He propelled Blair towards the door. "Come on, the check should have arrived by now, let's go pay up and go someplace to talk." 

Alec and Blair chipped in their part of the bill and made their excuses when the rest of the group said they were going to the campus pub to hang out and maybe play darts. Outside, Blair turned to Alec. 

"So, where to?" 

"How about my place?" Alec frowned at the expression on Blair's face. "What? Is this about you not trusting me? You think I'm going to get you into my lair and try to force myself on you? Damn, Sandburg. I came to you weeks ago and told you I wanted us to still be friends. And I left it up to you. I haven't hounded you, or stalked you, haven't tried to contact you at all. Look, I want us to _be_ friends, not just _say_ we're friends, but I understand if you have reasons that make that not a good idea for you. I mean, this thing with Jim and all. But not if it's because you don't _trust_ me around you." Alec stopped when he realized he had been raising his voice. He reined in his exasperation and lowered his voice. "I care about you, okay, I _love_ you, but you're not _that_ irresistible. I think I can control myself." 

Blair laughed in an easy way that let Alec know that everything was okay. "Gee, thanks. But it's not that. You _never_ pushed anything on me, even when we were going out. I just don't want to mislead you. I really don't want to hurt you again. I guess I was kind of afraid to be your friend again. I know better than most that you can't always control your emotions. I didn't want either of us to be in an awkward place. But I do miss you. And I could use a shoulder." He stuck his hand out. "Friends?" 

Alec shook Blair's hand. "Friends." 

"So, your place it is." He smiled warmly. "Plus, I would like to see C.C. again." 

Alec shook his head and chuckled. "Well, I know she misses you. No one else I know lets her hang all over them like you do. Let's go." 

They walked to their cars, getting to Alec's first. As Alec turned to his driver's side, Blair grabbed his arm. He embraced the other man, and said "Thanks." 

Alec smiled. "You know what they say, 'That's what friends are for.'" 

* * *

Jim had paced seemingly countless circuits since his return to the loft. From the living room to the balcony, to the upstairs bedroom, to the downstairs bedroom, to the bathroom, to the windows, to the door and back again. Over and over. Pacing. Waiting. 

His mind kept repeating: 'Where is he? Where _is he_?' He was so focused on signs of Blair's return that every passing car made him jump. Through the course of the evening, his hearing had picked up more about his neighbors than he needed to know, definitely more than he wanted to know. 

He checked his watch even though he knew it was only 5 minutes after the last time he had checked - 1:35 a.m. - 'Where the _hell_ is he?' A mix of emotions raged in him, too many for his brain to process. He wanted Blair home, but he wasn't really ready for him. Whenever Sandburg showed up, Jim knew there would be a 'discussion'. Blair had let him walk away earlier, but he didn't think he would get off that easily again. 

Finally, he decided to go up to bed. He wouldn't be able to sleep, but at least he could reserve some energy for the inevitable confrontation, and maybe clear his head. Upstairs, he stretched out on the bed, only to immediately pop up and head back downstairs. Deciding that the couch would be good enough, he laid down on it, lasting a little longer than the bed, but soon he was sitting up, and then the pacing started again. Living room to balcony, to the upstairs bedroom, to the downstairs bedroom, to the.... 

* * *

When Blair entered Alec's townhouse, a pair of bright eyes watched him from the couch. 

Alec laughed. "She's pretending she doesn't care that you're here. Her feelings were hurt. It's like she sees it as you leaving _her_." 

Blair approached the couch. "Hey, C.C." 

C.C. yawned and stretched, but as soon as Blair sat down, he found himself with a lapful of fat, furry feline. He reached out to pet her. "Hey, cutie. How ya been? Miss me?" C.C. purred and settled deeper into Blair's lap. 

Alec came over with two bottles of water, setting one down on the coffee table in front of Blair. "To keep our heads clear," Alec commented, then he noticed the cat. "She's got you now, man." 

"Yeah, but it's cool." The cat had attached herself to Blair the first time Blair had stepped into Alec's home. C.C. (short for Cute Cat) had been a stray. One of the neighbors used to feed her, and when she was moving, she asked Alec if he would take over. C.C. had actually taken over, and Alec' home had been her home ever since. She wasn't as independent as she pretended, but Blair didn't mind paying attention to her. 

The two men kept up a constant stream of small talk, Alec leaving it up to Blair to move onto heavier topics. Soon Blair was just sitting quietly, petting the cat. 

'Okay,' Alec thought, 'he needs a little help.' He pulled a dollar from his pocket and waved it in front of Blair's face. "Blair..." 

Blair looked over, "Oh sorry, man. What's that for?" 

"Well, you were so deep in thought, I figured they must be worth more than a penny." 

Blair looked down at C.C., stroking her, letting her internal vibration center him. Then he spoke. 

"He doesn't touch me anymore. I mean, he doesn't touch me in public. Nothing. No casual touches, no...anything. And I understand it, sort of. He's not really a touchy-feely person, but he always was with me, and now he's afraid of how it will look. That he'll give too much away. That it will seem different somehow to other people, because it's different now for him. And I understand. I don't agree, but I understand. But lately, I've also resented the hell out of it. I gave him a key at Christmas..." 

He hesitated, suddenly uncomfortable. He appreciated Alec's concern, but that situation over Christmas had hurt Alec. Hearing about a symbol of Blair's commitment to Jim couldn't possibly make him feel any better. 

"Hey, Sandburg. Just tell me." 

Blair looked at him, a sad smile on his face. He shrugged. "I love him, Alec. I'm sorry." 

Alec got up, pacing. "Blair, can we get past this? I know you love him. If you didn't, we'd probably be rolling around on the floor together instead of having this conversation. It's okay to love him, don't apologize for loving him. Just talk to me." He sighed. "You know, you'd be hurting me again if you didn't let me do this for you. It's friendship, Blair. I see that this is hard for you. Fine, but at least let me help you tonight. Just talk to me." 

"You're going to make the right person very happy." Blair laughed loudly. "Ugh! Did I just say that? That is so _old_! But, I mean it. You're a good man and you deserve somebody that will be good to you back. I'm not apologizing for loving Jim, just for how I think that makes you feel. I need to talk about this, and I'm sorry that you're so close to it. I think it's asking a lot of you, having you listen to this. But if you're sure..." 

"The key..." Alec prompted. 

"Yeah." Blair concentrated on C.C. again, picking up where he left off. "It was a symbolic thing, and he wears it around his neck. And he touches it, when he feels he can't touch me. And I love it, knowing he wants to touch me, but I hate it that he uses it as sort of a crutch. I want to take it back, and make him reach out to me, just so he'll see how _normal_ it still is, how what he's afraid of is _nothing_." 

And then there was no turning back. It all came out - the three-month recap. Work, home, how they didn't go out anywhere, how they had argued that night, how he ended up at the restaurant. All the fear, anger, uncertainty, and love. He finished up with a weary comment. 

"Talking about this pointed something out to me. The underlying thing that bothers me, here, is not the seclusion exactly. I knew that being _out_ would be a process that we would go through gradually, together. It's a delicate situation, the cop thing. I guess I thought we'd tell Simon, and just ease into everything else. But the thing that scares me is that it's like there are two Jims. One at home and another out in the world. And neither of them seems like the real Jim. The Jim I knew and fell in love with didn't become my lover. I got a lover-Jim and a partner-Jim and they are miles apart." 

Blair stopped and took a drink of his water, his throat dry after all of his talking. Alec hadn't interrupted him, just let him get it all out. Blair looked at his watch, surprised by the time, surprised even more that he hadn't become overwhelmed by the sadness of it all. He had to admit he felt better. 

"Oh man, see what you did? You should know better than to get Blair Sandburg talking." 

"You needed it." 

"Yeah, I did." 

"You know, I can't tell you what to do, but I do have a simple piece of advice. Talk to him, Blair. Talk to him like you talked to me. Think of this as a dress rehearsal." 

"I know. I will. Thanks for everything. I better go. Jim is probably freaking out, wondering where I am, but afraid of how it will seem if he calls Simon's looking for me." 

"Blair, just talk to him." 

"I will. I will. See you later." 

* * *

After Blair's departure, Alec sat on the sofa thinking. C.C. had retreated to her former place on the sofa. "So, I'm _your_ second choice too, huh, girl?" As he got ready for bed, he hoped everything worked out for Blair, because he wasn't sure what Blair would do if it didn't. 

* * *

Driving home, Blair was thinking over the same thing. He related to Jim on so many different levels. What happened to the lovers would affect what happened to the partners. Not to mention the Sentinel-Guide relationship. How do you handle being connected to someone that deeply if you find that you can't be with them? It made his head hurt (and his heart) just to think about it, especially knowing that a confrontation was necessary. He hoped it would go well. He _needed_ it to go well. Right now, he was just hoping that Jim was asleep so that he could get some rest before having to face him. He pulled up and noticed that the apartment was dark, but the relief he felt was short-lived, because as soon as he got to the apartment door, it was yanked open, and one stern Sentinel was standing there. 

"Hey, Jim. You're still up." Blair moved past his partner. 

Jim didn't speak as relief, and then anger, lay claim to him. He closed the door, cataloguing the smell coming from his guide, filtering out the normal Blair scents, picking up on the aromas of food, alcohol, and other people in the form of colognes and perfumes, one slightly stronger than the others. And an animal, some kind of animal. 'What the hell has he been doing?' He noticed Blair speaking to him and refocused. 

"Are you okay? You weren't worried were you? I didn't realize the time until..." 

"Where the hell have you been?" 

"What?!" 

"Where have you been all night? And don't even think about saying at Simon's because I already know you weren't there." 

"You actually called? Checked up on your _boyfriend_ with Simon? Wow, and you're still standing? Amazing!" 

Jim ignored Blair's sarcasm and continued, his voice deadly quiet and calm. "I went over there. I wanted to surprise you, wanted to be with you." 

"Jim, really?" 

"Do you know how I felt showing up thinking you were there, only to have to pretend that I knew you weren't there all along? Simon thinks I'm having some kind of breakdown!" No longer calm _or_ quiet. 

"How was I supposed to know you would go there? You made it perfectly clear to me that you had _no_ interest in Simon's poker game." 

"You haven't answered my question. Where. Have. You. Been?" The deadliness was back. 

Blair turned away and headed for the couch. Resentment rose in him over the fact that Jim was treating him like a suspect in an interrogation room. There was an edge to his next words. "I was out with some friends from school." He paused. "Having a _good time_." 

Jim followed Blair into the living room, standing over him instead of joining him on the couch. "What's that supposed to mean?" 

"Good. Time. What? Don't you even know what that is anymore? You know, _fun_. What we used to have. What we could have had tonight if you had just come with me to Simon's." 

"You didn't even go to Simon's." 

"Only because I didn't want to have to make up excuses for your absence." 

"Like I had to do for you." 

"That's your own fault!" 

"Right, and there just happened to be a group of people just waiting for you in an Indian restaurant." Not a question, but a wry comment. 

Blair almost laughed out loud, picking up on the fact that Jim had been _smelling_ him. He refrained from asking questions that would have been filed under the testing category, and answered Jim's non-question. "No, they weren't waiting for me at all. The world is still going on outside these walls, Ellison, with us or without us." 

Jim let that comment go, not ready to deal with it just yet. "Why didn't you call?" 

"Look, I'm sorry - we were both angry and I thought maybe it was better just to let things cool down. I didn't mean to worry you, but I'm not sorry about going out. I wished you were there." 

Blair watched as Jim dropped next to him, and he didn't want to argue anymore. In fact, he didn't want to _talk_ anymore tonight, even though he knew Alec was right and they needed to get everything out. Jim felt the fight leave him, also. Guilt sat between them. For one, it was the omission of Alec. For the other, it was his behavior, not just tonight, but the past several weeks. Jim extended his hand in Blair's direction. 

"I'm sorry. I'm an ass." 

"You're not an ass, an idiot maybe, but not an ass." 

Blair took the proffered hand and together they pushed the guilt aside for one more night. 

"Come to bed?" Jim held his breath, hoping that Blair wouldn't feel the need to be away from him. 

"Sure." 

Jim locked up, and they went up together, although once in bed, they lay side by side, not touching. 

Even though Blair knew they had a lot to talk about, he found it easy to rationalize that he would be leaving in a couple of weeks, and they could talk when he got back. That it would be okay. He moved so that his body 'accidentally' brushed against Jim's, and his lover responded naturally, drawn to his partner's body heat, nesting them together. Both men relaxed. Needing the contact, loving the contact. Ignoring the dark cloud that still hovered over them. 

* * *

Over the next few weeks, they settled into a comfort zone that seemed more unsettling than comforting, but they both felt that it had to be better than the alternative: a full blown discussion about _it_. With Blair going to meet Naomi in Mexico for a week, neither man wanted the time remaining to be marred. Jim had almost convinced himself that if the younger man wasn't mad anymore, and wasn't talking about it, then they were putting it behind them. Blair was just putting off the inevitable, trying to maintain a certain level of peace before his trip. Plus, he hoped that maybe Naomi would have a few insights for him. 

Even though they weren't talking about it, it still hung over everything they did. Now there was a measure of space between them not just at the station, but at home as well. Lovemaking was physically satisfying, but emotionally bereft. 

'Out of sync,' Blair thought. 'We're back to being out of sync.' 

The week before he left, Blair spent most of his time thinking over their situation. Though he played out different approaches, he never quite got up the courage to take any of them to Jim. He kept falling back on the fact that he wanted to salvage this time in case things went badly when they finally did talk. 

On the last night, they made love to each other, each one needing to take and be taken, ignoring the desperation that clung to the acts. But later, as Jim lay in the dark listening to Blair sleep, he recognized it for what it was. They had made love like they thought it was for the last time. 

* * *

Blair woke while Jim was in the shower, and got up, padding downstairs to get a cup of coffee. As he got to the bottom of the stairs, he was hit with an overwhelming urge to get to Jim _now_. To see him, to touch him. Jim was drying off when Blair opened the bathroom door. 

Jim took a hesitant step toward his lover. "You okay?" 

The sight of him, gloriously naked, concern etched on his face, soothed Blair. "Yeah, just woke up. Thought I might join you." 

"I didn't think you would get up this early. You still have plenty of time before your flight." 

Blair was driving himself to the airport. Jim had to be at the station soon, so he was going to have one of the guys drop him at the airport later to retrieve Blair's car, and he would pick Blair up when he returned. 

"I didn't want to miss saying goodbye." Blair's eyes studied Jim's face, soaking it up. 

"You didn't have to get up for that. I wouldn't have gone to work without saying goodbye." 

Jim turned to hang up his towel and grab his clean underwear from where they lay on the closed toilet seat. 

"I'm gonna miss you." Blair's words were soft, but the edge of pain was sharp. 

Jim sat down heavily, boxers in hand, eyes closed against his own pain. He had been trying not to think about how much he was going to miss Blair. That anguish would be for later, when he alone. It wasn't that he couldn't survive being apart from the man he loved. It was that they would be apart with this _thing_ between them. This thing they hadn't talked about. And that scared him. The fact that Blair had been hesitant to talk about it scared him more. That had to be a very bad thing. He had expected his lover to force the issue long ago. Blair would talk about anything. If he wouldn't broach this, it was very bad indeed. 

Blair went to stand in front of his lover, lightly touching his shoulders, then running his palms down the strong back. He felt two arms come around him, and Jim's face resting against his stomach. When he heard a sob, it pained him. He knelt down, putting his face even with his lover's, seeing no tears. 'It must hurt so much more,' Blair thought, 'when you need to cry, but you can't just let go and let it out.' His own soul ached in sympathy, and he wrapped his arms around Jim and held on. 

When he could get words out, Jim said, "I'm sorry." 

"Don't be sorry, Jim. It's okay." 

"No, it's not okay. Something's wrong." 

"What's wrong?" 

"You don't feel it, how something's wrong between us?" 

Blair let his forehead rest against Jim's and let out a little laugh. "Yes, I do feel it." 

Jim jerked back, hurt look on his face. "And you think that's funny?" 

"No, I'm laughing out of relief, I guess. I thought my first problem was going to be trying to convince you that there _was_ a problem. I've had nightmarish daydreams about coming up against the Ellison Wall of Denial." He mimicked Jim's voice, "There's nothing wrong, Sandburg!" 

"What do we do?" 

"What we should have done a long time ago, talk it out." He stood and pulled Jim to his feet also, sinking into a hug, trying to come into contact with as much of Jim as possible. 

"You're leaving." 

"I know, but I'll be back. And our first order of business is fixing this." 

"I'm really going to miss you." 

"Yeah, right, this place will be spotless, and filled with junkfood before my plane lands. I'll probably be able to hear your yell of freedom all the way in Mexico." 

Jim jerked away, and left Blair standing alone in the bathroom. Blair followed him upstairs and found him yanking clothes out of his closet. 

Blair looked at him, confused. "What's wrong?" 

"Is that what you think? That I'm just waiting to get rid of you, so that I can have this place to myself?" 

"Jim, I was joking. You know: You Anal, me Hyper?" 

"Don't joke about that, not now." 

Blair pulled him down so that they were both sitting on the bed. "Jim, I know that you love me. From the first time you told me, I've never doubted it. That is _not_ the problem." 

"I know." 

"And my feelings haven't changed. I still love you with all my heart." 

"I know." 

"The thing is, love is not enough. We have to work on other issues. We should _not_ have waited to talk things out, but we'll do it as soon as I get back." 

"I know." 

Jim hugged Blair tight, and then he started kissing Blair's shoulder, nipping at the curve of it. 

"Uh, Jim, if you keep this up you're going to be late for work." 

"I know." 

And for that moment, the clouds lifted, and the lovemaking was _so_ sweet. And they lost themselves in it, blissfully, deeply, opening themselves to each other, reconnecting. 

Too soon it was over, and Jim was saying goodbye. Blair packed, feeling a certain amount of harmony restored. Maybe love alone wasn't enough, but he had renewed faith in the fact that their love was strong enough to help them work on the rest. 

* * *

Later that night, Jim realized that he knew the exact moment that the fear had returned, a small seed that nagged at him like the fabled Princess and her pea. It wasn't when he had said goodbye to Blair that morning, or when they had fought a couple of weeks before. The seed had taken root by then, making itself at home as it started to grow larger. So, it wasn't when he came home with Blair's car from the airport and saw the familiar black Mustang parked next to his truck. But, that was when he finally faced it head on. And it wasn't after he heard the words that Alec Grayson had to say, because by that time the fear was already threatening to consume him and leave only the ghosts of doubt and pain as markers that he had actually existed in this life. 

No, Jim knew the minute it had started. When he had held Blair in his arms that week before Valentine's Day. The day his partner had come home, cold and irritable, settling into Jim's embrace. The day that Jim had noticed a faint scent clinging to him, a scent that he hadn't been able to place, a scent that had been oddly disturbing. The scent he now knew was Alec. His now fragile inner harmony finally cracked under the pressure and shattered into an infinite number of pieces, turning toxic as they settled, trapped inside him, filling every nook and cranny. 

* * *

Jim pulled up to his building, his mind preoccupied with thoughts of his lover and their farewell that morning. Driving Blair's car, never on Jim's top ten list of things to do, had proven to be a pleasant experience after all. The car was full of a sweet, familiar scent, and it gave Jim a heady rush. Much like rolling over into the warm spot of the bed that Blair had just vacated, or going into the bathroom after his lover had taken a shower, and breathing in the steam-concentrated Blair-air left behind. Concentrating on his absent lover and not his driving, going to park automatically, he almost ran into the back of the car that occupied his partner's usual parking spot. He hit his brakes, cursing softly, and maneuvered the car into another space. 

Focusing on the offending vehicle, he saw Alec Grayson step from the driver's side. He didn't have to guess at the emotion he was feeling now. He instantly recognized it as dread. 

Alec hadn't been around in the months that Jim and Blair had been a couple. Once school started back, Jim had been expecting Blair to come home and tell him about some encounter with Alec. He had been waiting for that moment so that he could have a chance to react in a rational manner, maybe erasing the memory of how he had handled the whole Alec situation before. But that hadn't happened, and now there was a different scenario staring him in the face. 

Alec had a neutral expression on his face as he watched Jim park and approach him. Despite how nervous he felt inside, and the scowl that seemed deeply etched in Jim's features, Alec managed to maintain that calm exterior. 

"Hi Jim." 

"Grayson." 

"Can we talk?" 

"What about?" 

"Blair," Alec answered, resisting the urge to roll his eyes at the foolish question. 

"What about him?" Jim's world seemed suddenly darker. The last thing he wanted to do was talk about Blair with Alec Grayson. 

"Look, can we go inside?" 

Okay, _that_ was the last thing he wanted to do: be _closed in_ talking about Blair with Alec Grayson. But he knew that out here in the open probably wasn't the wisest choice, either. He nodded curtly and led the way. 

Alec followed Jim's tension filled form up to the apartment. 'Looks like this is going to be harder than I thought,' he said to himself. It had taken all day for him to get up the courage to even make the trip over, but after talking to Blair yesterday and getting an update on the situation, he decided something needed to be done. He hoped that planting the seed with Jim would start the ball rolling. 

Jim turned to face Alec, arms crossed, scowl cemented in place. "Okay, so what is this about?" 

Alec braced himself for a confrontation. Jim was making it clear that he wasn't welcome, eliminating all pretenses of niceties and leaving no room for subtleties on Alec's part. 'I guess it's nitty-gritty or nothing with Ellison,' Alec thought. But he hoped that concern for Blair would give them enough common ground that Jim would listen. 

"Blair..." Alec began. 

"Yeah, so you said, but why would _I_ listen to anything _you_ had to say about Blair?" 

Alec got Jim's message loud and clear: Don't look, don't touch, and don't get in my face and talk about him. "Look, Jim, maybe this wasn't a good idea after all. I should just let Blair handle it." 

Jim stalked forward, hands clenched in fists at his side to keep them under control, and Alec backed up automatically. "No, Grayson, you've come this far. Tell me what's on your mind. Just what is Blair supposed to _handle_?" 

Alec hesitated. "He's just been so upset lately..." 

Jim's brain didn't allow him to form the words he wanted to say: 'How the hell would you know?', instead it clicked over and he was suddenly aware of a scent. And he knew what had been slowly nagging at his gut \- Alec Grayson. He took a deep breath to clear his head, but it had the opposite effect, instead filling him with Alec's scent. Triggering memories - memories of Blair and Alec during that short time that his senses had been open to them. Blair and Alec together - kissing, Blair _humming_ as that scent surrounded him. Memories that still had power to cause him pain. 

Alec took Jim's silence as a sign to continue. "He's talked to me about it, but it seems he's afraid to bring it up with you." 

Jim remembered that morning - Blair saying that they would talk when he got back. 

Once again, Alec forged ahead into Jim's silence. 

"You've cut him off, Jim. You're hiding him out here, and it's bothering him, a lot, mostly because you're not talking to him about it. You're hiding him, so he feels he has to hide you. All his friends know that he goes out with guys, but he's kept this a secret out of respect for you. He can't even talk about the person he's cares the most about. I'm the only one who knows about the two of you, and that's only because of the history between me and Blair." 

Alec seemed unperturbed by the fact that Jim still had not spoken. He hoped that Jim was taking it all in, taking it to heart. Actually, Jim was only catching about every other phrase or so. His awareness was focused on that damned scent, and his emotions were raging, slowing narrowing down to rage alone. Even so, the next words came through loud and clear. 

"...and then there's the thing about not touching. He's trying to understand, but it hurts him." 

Jim got in Alec's face, finally driven to words. 

"None of this is any of your business, Grayson." If words could kill, that sentence would have reached out and wrapped itself around Alec's neck, choking the breath out of him. 

Alec swallowed, trying to ease the phantom tightness in his throat. "Blair is my friend." 

"Blair is _not_ your concern!" The tone was even more murderous. A verbal bullet behind the ear, to make sure the job was done. 

Alec backed down, backed away. "Jim, I'm just trying to help..." He flinched when Jim reached around him and snatched the door open. 

"Sounds like you just want to get your hands back on Blair, and that's not gonna happen, now _get out_ ," Jim snarled. 

Alec felt his own anger rise. "That's not what this is about. Blair loves _you_ , but hey, if you can't love him back the way he deserves, maybe you should step aside so that someone else can." He turned and left quickly, not waiting for a response and not looking back. By the time he was seated behind the wheel of his car, his emotions had subsided and he had a bad feeling. To say that had not gone well was an understatement. 

Jim slammed the door, trying to rein in his anger. He was angry at Blair for talking about their life with Alec, angrier at Alec for having the nerve to butt in, and angriest at himself for messing it all up in the first place. 

He went out on the balcony. Breathing in deeply, focusing on clearing his head and his nose, releasing the anger slowly, remembering Blair's voice in times past calming him. It took him a minute to realize that he really _was_ hearing Blair's voice. It was coming from inside the apartment - a message on the machine. He went in, snatching up the phone only to hear a dial tone. He pressed 'play'. 

"Jim, hey, I just wanted to let you know that I made it safely. Naomi says that we'll be out of contact for a while, so I was trying to catch you. I thought you might be home by now. Naomi sends her love, me too. Hey, don't forget me next Sunday. Catch you later. Love you, big guy." 

Jim sat down heavily on the couch. Blair's words hung in the air, mingling with the scent of Alec. 

* * *

Three days had gone by, and Jim still couldn't get his head together. His mind was screwing with him, playing selective tricks with his memory. He couldn't focus on the good things because he couldn't let go of the bad stuff. He kept coming back to Blair dating Alec and how happy Blair had been, that tuneless humming, not able to remember that Blair had chosen _him_ over Alec, willingly, and with no influence from Jim at all. He could hear Blair saying he had gone out to have a _good time_ , without hearing him saying he wished Jim were there. He remembered the strain and tension of the past few weeks, but the love they shared got lost. 

And, his misery was spiked with anger. He was so mad at Blair, not just for confiding in Alec, but for not even telling him that he had resumed the friendship. He wanted to hit a wall every time he replayed Alec's parting shot. But the worst of it was reserved for himself. For fucking up...again. Why couldn't he have done this thing right? It wasn't that he was ashamed of his relationship, or even that he was concerned about what people would say. He just didn't know how to be _out_. His mind dredged up the memory of Alec kissing Blair right outside this building for the entire world to see. He hadn't really seen it, just heard it, _smelled_ it. But in his mind's eye, Alec raked his fingers through Blair's hair while his lips bruised Blair's, under the bright beam of a streetlamp. 

Distress colored Jim's thinking. He just couldn't see himself as that guy under the streetlight with Blair. Maybe Alec was right, Blair deserved more. Blair had said it himself - love alone wasn't enough. He wasn't apprehensive; he wasn't ashamed; maybe he just wasn't ready. 

Four more days and Blair would be back. And as much as he missed him, Jim didn't think he was ready for that either. 

* * *

There was only a small crowd gathered at the gate waiting for friends and loved ones when Jim got to the airport. He scanned the board - Blair's plane was a few minutes behind schedule. Jim shifted uneasily on his feet; his body was stiff with tension, his mind groggy from too much thinking and not enough sleep. But his eyes were focused on that gate, because regardless of everything else, he _needed_ to see Blair. Or maybe it was _because_ of everything else. 

"Jim!" Blair walked up to his lover, pulling him from his thoughts. Jim smiled, but Blair was disturbed by the look in his eyes, and he felt even more unsettled when Jim hugged him briefly before taking his bag. 

"You made it." Jim felt an ache at the sight of Blair, who was now tan, his hair touched by the sun, and so...beautiful. 

"You okay, Jim?" 

"Yeah, Chief, ready?" 

"Yeah." 

Blair followed Jim out to the car. Something was weird. 'I guess we'll be talking sooner rather than later.' He had been hoping he would get in a meal and a nap first. 

Jim was pretty much silent all the way home, asking a question here and there about Blair's trip. And Blair filled it up with chatter: talking about Naomi, and the ruins he got to see, but he noticed Jim stealing glances. It looked like he was going to have to just settle for a quick shower. They needed to talk. 

* * *

Coming down the stairs in fresh clothes, Blair found Jim sitting on the couch staring into space in the direction of the balcony. He got some juice and went to sit next to him. 

"You okay, big guy?" 

Jim turned and smiled, but it was a sad smile. "Yeah, fine." 

"I missed you." 

"Me too." 

"You seem like you have a lot on your mind. Is it about us?" 

"Pretty much." 

"Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking too. About how things were before I left. How I'd like things to be." 

Jim wasn't listening. He didn't want to hear whatever Blair had to say. The need to just _remove_ himself was great, knowing that he would only keep messing things up, and Blair would keep trying to work them out, letting himself be hurt over and over. Not able to allow that, and without any other viable plan, Jim's driving force was just to stop Blair in his tracks before things got worse. 

Blair continued, unaware of the thoughts going through Jim's head. "...and I'm sure that this will work out. I just need you to explain..." 

"This has been too fast for me, I don't think I'm ready..." 

That cut Blair off so effectively that his throat closed up, and he couldn't have spoken, even if he had known what to say. 

"I mean, I think we should... _you_ should see other people or..." 

"What the _fuck_ are you talking about?" Blair felt like he had been tackled. "You want to see _other people_?" 

"Yeah... _no_... I need to... I thought maybe _you_ might want to see other people." 

"Jim, what the hell is this? I do _not_ want to see other people. I want you to tell me what this is all about. No bullshit - just straight out." 

"Come on, Blair, you know what it's been like. You know what _I've_ been like. I can't fix this. I don't know what else to say." 

"So you decided on 'see someone else'?" 

"What's the big deal? I already know you're seeing _Alec_." 

Blair felt the color rise in his face, sign of the guilt he felt. He didn't think about _how_ Jim knew, just that what Jim _thought_ he knew, was wrong. "I am _not_ seeing Alec. I've _seen_ him - there's a difference." 

"Then why haven't you ever mentioned it? That you've _seen_ your ex-lover?" 

"We're not ex-lovers, we're friends. And I didn't mention it because I didn't think you would understand, I didn't think you would handle it well." 

"Well, you were right. I'm not handling it well. I'm not handling _any_ of this well. That's my point." 

"Jim, I love you. I know things have been a little off lately, but we can _do_ this - " 

"See Blair, that's where you're wrong. I _can't_ do this." 

"So...what? We just stop, pretend that none of this happened? Forget everything since Christmas? Go back to working together, living together, ignoring that there's anything else between us? That's it? You're throwing me back at Alec - _again_?" 

"I just want..." Jim's expression was bleak, but Blair ignored it. 

"Jim, just shut up. Because right now I don't _care_ what you want!" 

Then he was gone, and everything Jim was going to say fled from his mind, leaving only the truth. He stared at the closed door and whispered, "I just want...you." 

* * *

Blair was driving, going nowhere in particular, but ending up outside Alec's house. He wasn't surprised, but after the afternoon he had just had, it seemed wrong, like he was lending validity to Jim's absurd rantings. He wanted to go home, but he felt that was impossible. So he sat there and just let time slip by. But, as the sun was setting, he realized that his anger was still strong, and he needed to vent. He got out and knocked on the door. 

When Alec answered, Blair stormed past him and immediately started pacing without speaking. C.C. rose and gave a little 'meow', but Blair didn't acknowledge her, either. 

"Blair, what is it?" Alec had a sinking feeling that he already knew. 

Blair stopped in mid-stride and stared at Alec, and then he looked around as if taking stock of his surroundings, before taking a deep breath. He sat on the couch, scooping up C.C. in his arms, taking solace from her heat, and the comforting feel of her fur. His face, previously flushed with fury, turned pale. Alec went to sit next to him. 

"Blair, what is it?" Alec repeated. 

"I think Jim has lost his mind. That's the only explanation I can come up with. I came back prepared to talk to him. I was ready to face his fear, or uncertainty, or whatever, but what I got was lunacy." 

"Blair..." 

"He wants me to see other people. He wants to go back to the way things were before, and I guess he wants me to go out with...you." The disbelief was apparent in Blair's tone. "I don't get it. Before I left, we talked, we...connected again, you know. He acknowledged that there was something wrong. I mean, he brought it up, you know, how upset he was that there was this thing between us. And we promised to talk about it as soon as I got back." 

"Blair, I've got to tell you something..." Alec focused his eyes on C.C. as he recounted his visit with Jim. 

Blair listened, slowly coming to the realization that not only Jim, but Alec, had lost his mind as well. And he was certain that he was soon to follow. How could you not be affected when you were surrounded by crazy men? 

"You did what?!" 

"Blair, I was just trying to help. I couldn't stand to see you so miserable. And since you wouldn't talk to him, I thought maybe I could get him to talk to you." 

"You had no right, man. We had it worked out. We were finally _ready_ to talk." 

"I didn't know." 

Blair jumped up and whirled on Alec, fixing him with a narrowed gaze. "Was this whole 'friendship' thing just some ploy to try to get me back? Damn, I defended you to him. I defended our relationship." 

"Blair, no. I was upset because you were so upset. And I just wanted Jim to understand how you were feeling. I thought it was going okay, but then he got all _territorial_ on me. I'm sorry, but it ticked me off. My parting remarks may have been inappropriate, but I did _not_ tell him to just hand you over to me. If that's what happened, then he did that all on his own." 

"Look at me, Alec. I am a grown man. I can make my own decisions, handle my own relationships. What is it with you two? I do not need you and Jim to fucking square off and decide who I should be with." 

"Blair, I'm sorry, but if Jim..." 

"Alec, don't say it, don't _even_ say it. You've said enough already." 

And for the second time in one day, Blair Sandburg found himself walking out on someone he cared about, anger in every step. 

* * *

Blair parked and trudged heavily up to the loft. On his way to his old room, he glanced at Jim sitting out on the balcony. Minutes later, he emerged with a duffel bag and stomped upstairs. After stuffing it full of clothes, he went down to collect his laptop and some books. 

Jim was standing there. 

"I'm leaving," Blair said, stating the obvious. "I can't be here with you. You know, I thought, 'Well, we have some problems, but we'll work them out.' I know that we should have talked things out sooner, but I thought all I had to do was let you know how I felt. That I wasn't trying to pressure you into going public about us, especially not at the station, since you were the only one there who knew I dated guys, anyway. I mean, I thought you would have wanted to tell Simon, but that was your call. I should have made you understand that my problem was that you seemed content to pretend like we didn't exist at all outside of these walls. That I thought that being in love was something that we were adding to our existing relationship, and I needed to understand why you acted like it was something we should take out of a box when we got home." 

Hastily stuffing things into his bag, Blair continued. "And I could have dealt with your being scared, or unsure, or whatever. But to find out that you are _so_ cowardly that you used Alec as a way not to deal with what was going on between us, _that_ I can't take, not this time. You didn't even care enough to discuss it with me. That hurts the most. I really think that we would have worked it out, you know, but now.... I don't feel respected here, and I don't feel trusted. Without those things, we can't be lovers, we can't be partners, and I can't be your guide." 

He gathered up his belongings, hardening his heart against Jim's expression, and left without Jim having said a word. 

* * *

On the run again. That's how Blair felt. Was he always going to be destined to be on the move? He had always liked going from place to place, new things, new people. But now he had learned something about staying, about belonging. It seemed like he could even stay in one place and still be running from something. 'It's not my fault. I tried.' Truth or not, it sounded empty. Like the road he was traveling on, and his life ahead. 

* * *

Jim felt more alone than he ever had before. The apartment was dark and the emptiness lent a chill to the air. There was music playing, simply for the voices, just so he wouldn't _seem_ so alone. It was his fault, he knew that, and it haunted him. He couldn't believe that they had made it through everything else and still come to this. Blair was lost to him. He sat alone on the floor, remembering... 

Blair... the first time he said, "I love you"...the first time Jim had said it back...the first time they kissed... 

//If I could recapture all of the memories  
And bring them to life, surely I would.  
Hear the distant laughter -  
Wasn't it you and me surviving the night?  
You're fading out of my sight - swiftly.  
You're vanishing - drifting away -  
You're vanishing.// 

Blair... that first Christmas...those first tentative steps at being together...the first time they made love... 

//I was so enraptured -  
No sensibility to open my eyes -  
I misunderstood.  
Now you're fading faster.  
It's suddenly hard to see.  
You're taking the light  
Letting the shadows inside - swiftly.  
You're vanishing - drifting away -  
You're vanishing.// 

Jim reached under his shirt and pulled out Blair's key, rubbing it between two fingers... remembering. 

Blair... holding each other in bed with love a certainty between them...making love as a new year started...making love on a 'beach' on Valentine's day...then fighting...strain and tension... anger and guilt... 

//Reaching out into the distance,  
Searching for spirits of the past.  
Just a trace of your existence to grasp.  
And if, somehow, I could recapture  
All of the memories and bring them to life,  
Lord knows, I would.  
But now you're fading faster -   
Getting so hard to see - you're taking the light -  
Letting the darkness inside - swiftly.  
You're vanishing - drifting so far away.  
Vanishing...away.// 

Jim was lost in his thoughts of Blair...living with him...loving him...losing him. 

He rose slowly, walking over to the stereo, pressing the open button on the CD player and extracting the one that had been playing. 'Why do people do this,' he wondered, 'wallow in their misery while listening to music that points out how miserable they are? It's pointless.' The CD snapped, victim of his unmerciful grip, broken into pieces. Jim calmly went into the kitchen, tossed the pieces in the trash, then sat back in the same place on the floor by the couch, and cried. 

He cried like the little boy who had searched his whole life for love and acceptance, and like the man who knew that he had it, and had thrown it away. Not slow tears, or controlled sobs. He cried all out - expressing his heartache until his body ached from the force of it. 

* * *

Blair pulled out his cell phone and made a call. A short time later, arrangements made, he was on his way to his destination. 

* * *

Jim functioned the next morning solely out of habit. He got up, got ready for work, went to work, all without thinking about it, ignoring the silence that surrounded him, and those little lapses of missed time when he knew he had been listening for Blair. He did paperwork, went over testimony with a DA, all on autopilot. It worked up until about 3:00, when he noticed that he had typed a page full of gibberish, and he had no idea what he had been trying to say. Leaning back in his chair, he exhaled harshly. He didn't want to go back home, _couldn't_ go back there in the light of day. But, he didn't want to be here either. 

Coming to a quick decision, he got up and knocked on Simon's door. When he heard Simon call out from the other side, he opened the door and poked his head inside. Intending to just ask for the afternoon off, his heart started pounding loudly in his ears as another idea came to him. He had known Simon a long time, but this... 

"Do you have a minute...to talk?" 

That stopped Simon, who dropped the papers he had been reading and placed his cigar in an ashtray, motioning Jim inside. 

Jim sat down in front of Simon's desk, with his hands clasped, head down. 

"So is this the moment of truth?" Simon asked. 

Tiredly, Jim raised his head. "Sir?" 

"Well it seems like we have been building to this point for months now. There has been something weird going on, and frankly, I've been worried about you. But since your work hadn't suffered, I let it go. But, I _was_ a little disappointed that you didn't come to me as a friend." 

"It's not an easy thing, Simon, not for me, and I'm not sure how you'll take it." 

"Jim, my God, what is it? You're scaring me, here." 

Jim wasn't sure exactly how to say it, but when he opened his mouth, words came out. "It's Sandburg, or rather me and Sandburg." 

"Something going on between the two of you?" 

Caught off guard by Simon's comment, Jim blinked and answered. "Well, yeah." 

"So, whose fault is it this time? Yours or the kid's?" 

Jim tried to focus on what Simon was saying. "Huh?" 

"Did you do something to make Sandburg mad, or did he piss _you_ off?" 

When Jim answered, he realized that Simon wasn't on the right track. "No, Simon, it's not like that, well, it is _now_. But the thing is me and Blair... Blair and I have been seeing each other." 

Simon leaned forward in his chair. "Seeing each other? Like _seeing_ each other?" 

Nodding, Jim thought, 'So far, so good.' 

"How long has this been going on?" 

"Since Christmas." 

"Ah." 

"Ah?" 

Simon shrugged. "I see." 

Jim sized up the situation, and plunged ahead when he detected no hostility. "No, you don't. I've fucked it up, Simon, worse than Carolyn, worse than anything." 

"Jim, start at the beginning." 

So, Jim told him everything. Blair, Alec, he even touched on Chase a little. He told him how everything had progressed, from Christmas to now, explaining why he was sitting there, feeling like he was at the end of his rope telling his sad story. 

"I see." 

Jumping up from his seat, Jim ran his fingers through his short hair, exclaiming, "Simon, forgive me, but I need more than that here." 

"Well, hell Jim, this is a lot to process." 

"Tell me about it...it's all so complicated" 

"Jim, if we cut to the chase, there's only one thing you can do. You have to take a good, hard look and decide what it is you _really_ want. You have to be able to single it out without seeing all of the other stuff. Strip away the complications and latch onto what you know in your heart." 

"I don't know...." 

Simon held up his hand. "Jim, don't hand me that. You _do_ know. You may have doubts about what to do about it, but you do know." 

"I want...him." 

"So why on earth did you do what you did? Damn, Jim, you practically tossed him into somebody else's bed." 

"I didn't know how to keep him." 

"Jim, listen, I know with Sandburg, you have to analyze, research and discuss _everything_. And that's fine sometimes. It's good for you not to keep so much in. But, you have great instincts. You make decisions everyday based on your gut feelings. Go with it here. What feels right? I think that if you had been doing that all along, you wouldn't have cut yourselves off, cut yourself off from him. And for what it's worth, I don't think it's a matter of you keeping him - I think he's been keeping _you_ all along." 

Jim didn't know what to say to that, so he thanked Simon for listening, for his advice, and for letting him go for the rest of the day. As he got up to leave, he turned back to Simon to ask him a question. 

"So, are you okay with it?" 

"Does it matter?" 

"Yes and no. It won't change the way I feel about Blair, but I would like to know that the way you feel about us hasn't changed either." 

"I'll be honest. I don't like it. And before you get all crazy, I don't mean that the way it sounds. Personally, I'm happy for you, really. I'll admit I'm surprised, but I learned a long time ago, the hard way, that prejudice has no place in my life. But that's me. There's still the rest of the world. Professionally, I don't want any bullshit in my department, and I don't want to see you or Blair have to deal with any harassment." 

"I won't intentionally stir up anything, and it's not like I plan on putting a notice up on the bulletin board, but I won't hide anymore. I'll do my job, and keep my private life where it belongs, but I'm not denying him. And I won't back down from anybody that gives us grief." 

"I know. Actually, I think you can handle things here. I mean, this is your workplace, I trust you to be professional, and I'll do my damnedest to make sure that everyone else is. But what about out in the world, when your professional life is not the issue, but your personal preference is?" 

"I don't know, Simon. But if I don't get him back, what will it matter?" 

"Go on, get out of here. Do what you gotta do. And this time, do us all a favor, take better care of the kid." 

Jim thanked him again and left to follow his heart. 

* * *

Blair dropped down onto the boulder and picked up a handful of rocks. He tossed them, one by one, over the embankment and sighed. 'This is so pathetic,' he thought. 'Ten months and I'm right back where I started. Tossing rocks off of a mountain and feeling like shit. Right back to not having Jim the way I want him. But I was better off before, when I didn't think I stood a chance. Now, to really know what it's like to have him love me... to know that he loves me and still have things be so fucked up.' 

He felt the pain welling up inside him, and he focused on bringing it down. He needed to do something, but what could he do? Well, there was always a few hours of physical exertion. He got up and headed up the trail. 

* * *

Jim left the university with a heavy heart. Blair was not there. He had called in sick, and everybody assumed he was home. Jim had caught himself just in time before he blew Blair's cover. Tossing the book that he had used as his excuse into his truck, he tried Blair's cell phone. No answer. When he only got the voice mail, he hung up, not leaving a message. He needed to find him and talk in person. After several stops at various places he thought Blair might be, he still hadn't found his partner. 

When he was headed home, a thought hit him. If Blair didn't go to the university, where did he spend the night? Jim had assumed that Blair had camped out in his office for the night, since it had been so late, but that didn't seem to be the case. And of course right behind that, came the obvious answer. Jim didn't know where Alec lived, but he could find out. But he quickly eliminated that line of thought - he didn't want to know, and he didn't want to go there and see Blair's car out front, or have him answer the door. He didn't want to see physical proof that he was too little, too late. 

* * *

Blair was tired, but it was a good tired. It had been just before dark when he finally got back to the cabin, weary, but relaxed. It seemed that the hike had done him a world of good. He had showered and fallen into bed, certain that he would instantly drop off into a deep, dreamless sleep. He hadn't. Instead he lay there, feeling the muted ache in his muscles, realizing that he had let go of most of the anger. But in its place, he felt a profound sadness. Sleep slowly overtook him, as he tried to remember some of the good times he had spent with Jim, and ignore the visions he had carried around of them as old men together. 

* * *

Jim stood out on the balcony, listening. He could hear the music playing, and he refused to think about the CD incident of the day before. The sounds of so many things, close by and in the distance, reached him, but not the one thing he wouldn't admit that he was listening for. It was a situation of his own making, he knew that. Blair and Alec - he had to learn to live with it - if it didn't kill him first. He reined in his hearing, focusing in on the noises of the apartment, listening to the music, and pretending that he was not hoping for the sound of Blair's key in the door. 

* * *

Blair heard a howling and jerked awake. As he went to look out of the cabin window, he noticed that he was no longer in the cabin. Instead, he was standing in the dark with dense foliage surrounding him, and then he heard the melancholy howling again. He turned to go in the direction that would take him away from the sound of that pain, but found himself instead getting closer to it. After a while, he came to a clearing and saw Jim sitting against a tree with a wolf sitting in front of him. The Sentinel looked like he was zoning - unfocused and unaware of his surroundings, and when Blair called out to him, there was no response. Blair tried to get closer, but the wolf growled and bared his teeth, so he backed away, watching the wolf sniff at Jim, licking the motionless face, whimpering softly and then laying at his feet. The wolf wasn't resting; his eyes were on Blair and his ears twitched as if on alert for any threatening sound. 

Blair sat down, his eyes alternating from Jim to the wolf. Softly, he tried calling Jim again. His heart almost leapt out of his chest when he heard a loud voice. 

"Why are you here?" 

Blair looked at Jim, but he was still in the same lost state. The wolf had raised his head and was looking straight into Blair's face. Blair jumped to his feet when he heard the voice again. It was coming from inside his head. 

"Why are you here?" The wolf was standing now. 

Blair answered, speaking out loud. "I don't know. I was drawn here." 

"You chose for this not to be your place. Why are you here?" 

"I didn't choose that - I was sent away." 

"Then, why are you here?" 

"I _want_ to be here. But I don't know how I can be anymore. He...Jim hurt me. He cut me out." 

"Then, why are you here?" 

"I need to be here. My spirit is here." 

"Are you ready to take your place?" 

"I don't think Jim's ready." 

The wolf let out a breath that in Blair's head sounded like a sigh. 

"Things that are meant to be, will be. But decision is the key to destiny. The path you choose to get here can be longer, or not." The wolf cocked its head, and Blair heard a growl. "It is always the one with the light who helps those in darkness." 

"But what do I do?" 

"Do what you do." 

Blair took a step forward, and came to in the cabin. He rolled over in the bed, his eyes focusing on the red numbers on the alarm clock. A little after midnight. But it didn't matter what time it was, because he knew what needed to be done. As he got up, dressed, and gathered up his things, there was no uncertainty. He was the Guide. He had to show Jim the way. It was time to go home. 

* * *

//I've been loving you too long to stop now.// 

Jim was in the midst of a major zone-out. Pulled along not by his senses, but by the strength of his emotions. Only his hearing was still in the real world, focused on the plaintive melody washing over him and the soulful voice dropping haunting lyrics like bricks around his heart. He was lost... lost in the song... lost in the sea of his sorrow. A bomb could have gone off and it wouldn't even have registered. As it was, the door to the loft opened behind him, and Blair walked in. The scent and heat of his Guide's presence didn't cause a ripple in the fog of despair that surrounded him. 

//You are tired, and you want to be free -  
My love is growing stronger as you become a habit to me -  
Been loving you a little too long to stop now.// 

From the darkened room, Blair made out the solid form of Jim standing on the balcony, staring into the night. The misery was like a wall around him and Blair felt his world turn upside down as he realized that the form was trembling, from head to toe, the whole body shaking like it was struggling against some unseen force. He had never seen Jim in such a state. Guilt and fear and longing welled up inside him, lodging in his throat like a rock. He took a step forward, hesitating to intrude, not knowing that Jim was totally unaware of him, thinking instead that his partner was hurt, angry and shutting him out. 

//With you my life has been so wonderful... can't stop now.  
You are tired and your love is growing cold -  
My love is growing stronger as our affair grows old -  
Loving you a little too long... I don't want to stop now.// 

Blair felt a chill go through him as he stood in that room. It was like Jim himself was calling out to him through the speakers. Saying words that cut him like a knife. Had it really come to this? What had either of them done to deserve this much pain? Blair took another step towards his Blessed Protector. He couldn't undo what had been done, couldn't take back things that had been said. They had been through so much. He remembered a time when it had been him on the edge, and the Sentinel had come looking for his Guide. "Oh Jim, what have we _done_?" 

He didn't even realize he had spoken aloud and taken another step forward. 

//I've been loving you a little too long,   
I don't want to stop now.  
Don't make me stop now, please don't make me stop now...// 

Blair made it to the balcony doors; finally hearing the sobbing that accompanied the shaking of Jim's body. He called Jim's name softly. 

//I love you, I love you, baby -  
Down on my knees, I begin to cry - don't throw our love away// 

When he got to Jim's side and saw the tears, he reached out and touched Jim's face in stunned silence. 

//Don't make me stop now...I don't want to stop...oh, I can't stop   
I love you... love me baby...don't make me stop now...  
Please...please...don't make me stop now.// 

When Jim didn't respond, it finally hit home. 'Oh damn, a zone-out.' 

"Jim! Jim! Oh damn, come back, you don't have to stop loving me." Blair responded to the lyrics as if they had been Jim's actual words. "Come on, love me... I love you, I love you...come back and love me...you don't have to stop, don't stop, come back to me. Jim, I'm here. Love me, I don't want you to stop...please..." 

He took Jim in his arms, pulling him down, talking to him, kissing his face, touching him all over, trying to impress himself on Jim's consciousness, trying to get through to him. 

Little by little, Jim came back, finally focusing on Blair's voice rather than the sorrowful lyrics. He responded almost automatically, but he came back slower than usual because he fought it. He wanted to lose himself in the emptiness, but his Guide was calling. And he couldn't fight that for long. 

Jim was surprised to find himself crying in his lover's arms. He could feel heat invade every point that was in contact with Blair, and he could smell the strong scent of anxiety that surrounded them. Blinking his eyes rapidly, his breath coming in hitches, he tried to stop his tears. He turned his head to look at Blair, blinking some more to clear the image. His voice was shaky when he spoke. 

"I'm sorry...I'm...so...sorry." 

Blair held on as he whispered, "Me too." 

After a few minutes, Blair helped Jim to his feet and led him inside. He placed Jim on the couch and went to fix some tea. When Blair handed over a filled cup, he was glad to see that his partner's hand was steady. 

"I zoned," Jim said, after taking a sip. "Big time." 

"I noticed. We'll talk about that, we'll talk about everything, but I think you need some rest now." 

"I need you." 

"I know. I need you, too." 

"Chief...Blair..." 

"Come on, we'll both rest. And then, we'll bring everything out into the light of day." 

Blair reached out his hand and Jim took it, getting to his feet. They walked up the stairs to their bedroom, hand in hand. 

They undressed each other slowly, enjoying the unveiling as more and more parts of their bodies were revealed. Jim, especially, got an incredible rush from it. His sight didn't miss any detail of Blair's body despite the darkness in the room. He shuddered as he realized that he could very easily have been out on that balcony for a long time, lost in himself, if Blair hadn't come to him. And his heart was glad. He pulled Blair down on the bed, and they lay next to each other, touching softly, caressing, feeling everything in arms' reach, needing the connection. Snatches of the soft music still playing came to him as he moved to kiss Blair lightly on the lips. 

//It's good when you touch me... it's right when you hold me  
It's good when you love me... and I know that it's right.// 

The light kiss blossomed, Blair's tongue taking it a step further, licking and tasting his lover's mouth. His arms went around Jim and soft caresses developed into something more. But there was no frenzy, no run away passion, they moved almost in slow motion letting the strength of their contact express their need. The need for reaffirmation, the need to heal. 

//My love is yours to keep... my world is open to your light -  
Shine on me, love of my life.  
No place I'd rather be than here with you,   
Holding you so tight, whispering in the night.// 

Blair pulled Jim on top of him, loving the feel of the weight of him. They moved in a slow rhythm, rubbing against each other, their bodies touching in hot points from their lips to their toes. When Jim licked Blair's neck, Blair nibbled on his shoulder. When Jim raked a finger down the sensitive skin of Blair's side, Blair gripped Jim's ass, squeezing to a slow beat. Their bodies were heated and the sweat made them slippery. Their hard-ons were teasing each other in an erotic contest, as they let the heat build, leisurely heading toward the boiling point. And it was tantalizing, and sweet, and sensual. When Jim whispered sweet somethings in Blair's ear, Blair whispered in return. And they never stopped moving. 

//It's so good when you touch me...   
it's so right when you hold me -  
So good when you love me...  
And it's so right when you say that you're mine, all mine.// 

They were both surprised when they reached the point of no return. Their minds concentrating on something other than the release their bodies were working towards. Blair felt Jim's body convulse and then warm wetness, and his mind caught on, just as he came, adding his own spilt seed between them. 

//The power of love makes you hold me, it makes you squeeze me -  
It's that power that makes me feel good all over -  
The power of love...it 's so right, yeah, and so good.  
Everybody needs to know what the power of love can do for you,   
It can make everything all right, worry about nothing -  
It's so good...so good.// 

Blair rolled Jim over on his side, grabbed the first piece of clothing that his hand found, and cleaned them both as best he could. He situated them under the covers, Jim's head on his chest, and held him. It did feel right, being here. He held on to that thought as Jim fell asleep. 

* * *

After Jim had been asleep for a while, Blair went down to get another cup of tea. He had a lot on his mind, thinking of all the things that needed to be said once the sun came up. He went to collect the cups that had been left on the coffee table, and he noticed the box. 

Jim's "Thought Box" was out and a little stack of cards was lying next to it. He hesitated only briefly before picking up the top one. It read: 'I don't know how to be part of a couple with Blair. Every other relationship I've had with a man has been hidden, Chase by necessity, the others by choice. I don't know how to not do that. I don't know if I have what it takes to take his hand and step into the light.' 

Blair felt a tightness in his chest, and he picked up another card, and read on. 

* * *

Jim woke up, trying to process all the stimuli invading his brain. He had a sense of Blair's presence, but it took a moment to realize that he was actually with him, lying _on_ him. His cheek cushioned against that furry chest hair, that well-known heartbeat beating strongly in his ear. His nose picked up the Blair smells, and he could smell _them_ , the scent of their mixed semen, and he smiled. He whispered against Blair's body, not daring to look up just yet. 

"I thought it was a dream." 

"No, it wasn't a dream." 

"Are you... _back_?" 

Blair ignored the question. "Are you ready to talk?" 

"I don't know what to say...except... I'm so, so sorry." 

Blair shifted so that Jim had to look at him. One hand came up and held something in front of the older man's face. "You do know what to say." He held up a splayed hand of notecards. "It's all right here. Don't be sorry about how you feel. Just share it with me. Give _us_ a chance to deal with it." 

Jim tried. Slowly he expressed how out of his element he felt. That when he was with Chase, they both knew that they had to hide their feelings. How the military was a place where you learned a hard lesson when you fall in love with another man, and that they became experts on how to be together without letting anyone in on it. And then, years later, the situations with Sean and Sam while he was working Vice, were just a lesson in perfecting what he had learned in the military. 

"I just don't know any different, Chief, and I guess I have an ingrained thing about it. I've learned that secrecy is good, and that telling that secret has dire consequences. I would have to... unlearn that. And it was never what would happen to me; I was past caring about that. I was afraid for you. That somebody would hurt you by holding up our relationship under a light made ugly by their sick bigotry." 

Taking several deep breaths, he continued, "I told Simon, you know." 

"What? What did he say?" 

Jim chuckled and told the story of his heart-to-heart with his captain, and the advice Simon had given him. 

"So, what was your gut instinct?" Blair asked. 

"To find you, beg for another chance, try to explain what I could, and to show you whatever I couldn't explain." 

"But...?" 

"But what?" 

"Well, you didn't do it, find me, I mean. Instead you had a massive zone-out." 

"I didn't know where to go - you weren't at the University - and I couldn't bring myself to call Alec...couldn't face you being there especially since it would have been all my doing." 

"I'm sorry about that situation with Alec." 

"No, I was way off base." 

"Yeah, but there wasn't anything to hide, and by not telling you about it, I made it seem like there _was_ something to hide. Alec was my friend, and that's all. And he was way out of line, too." 

"Maybe part of the problem was not that _you_ were friends with him, but that _we_ weren't friends with him. I closed myself off to that possibility mostly out of stupid jealously, so it's no wonder you didn't feel comfortable having him in your life openly. I apologize." 

Sighing, Blair answered, "It's just one more thing we should have talked about." He settled in, laying Jim's head back against his chest. "You know, Simon was right. You _do_ have good instincts. The fact that I need you to talk to me shouldn't make you second-guess yourself. As for the other stuff, about _how_ to do this thing with me - there's no _right_ way. It's whatever works for the two of us. I'm not interchangeable with Chase, or Carolyn or whoever. You're not interchangeable with Alec or anybody else. _We_ have to do this. So, instead of worrying about taking my hand and stepping into the light, how about you just take my hand and we'll move forward, one step at a time." 

And to Jim, that felt right. 

THE END


End file.
